UTY 



\ND OTHER 
RISH COMEDI 




* V* 




Class _XS_3^14- 
Book__Jiq3li£ — , 

CopyiigMF. — 

COPYRIGRT DEPOSnV 



DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES 




EUMAS O'BRIE 



FROM THE DRY POINT STUDY BY P. GRASSBY 



X"^ T T >'~T^ X7 



DUTY 



AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES 



BY 



SEUMAS O^BRIEN 



NON'REFERT 




gWyAD-Q3 S 



BOSTON 

LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY 

.1916 



-^5^ 






^^?^N^ 



Copyright, igi6, 
By Little, Brown, and Company. 



All rights reserved 
Published, September, igi6 



These plays are fully protected by the copyright law, all requirements of 
which have been complied with. In their present printed form they are 
dedicated to the reading public only, and no performance of them, either 
professional or amateur, may be given without the written permission of the 
owner of the acting rights, who may be addressed in care of the publishers. 
Little, Brown, and Company. 




SET UP AND ELECTROTYPED BY THE PLIMPTON PRESS, NORWOOD, MASS., U.S.A. 
PRINTED BY S. J. PARKHILL & CO., BOSTON, MASS., U.S.A. 



SEP 13 1916 

©C1,A437G40 



CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Duty 1 

Jurisprudence 37 

Magnanimity 65 

Matchmakers 97 

Retribution . . .> 119 



DUTY 

A Comedy in One Act 



CHARACTERS 

Head Constable Mulligan . . A Member of the Royal 

Irish Constabulary 

Sergeant Dooley A Member of the R. I. C 

Constable Huggins A Member of the R. /. C, 

MiCUS GOGGIN 

Padna Sweeney 

Mrs. Ellen Cotter A public-house keeper 



Duty was produced for the first time at the Abbey 
Theatre, Dublin, December 17, 1913, with the following 
cast: 

Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C. Arthur Sinclair 

Sergeant Dooley, R.I.C Fred O'Donovan 

Constable Huggins, R. I. C. . . . Sydney J. Morgan 

Micus Goggin J. M. Kerrigan 

Padna Sweeney J. A. O'Rourke 

Mrs. Ellen Cotter Una O'Connor 



DUTY 

Bach kitchen of a country public house. Micus and 
Padna seated at a table drinking from pewter pints. Mrs. 
Cotter enters in response to a call. 

PADNA {pointing to pint measures) 

Fill 'em again, ma'am, please. 
MRS. COTTER (taking pints, and wiping table) 

Fill 'em again, is it? Indeed I won't do any such 

thing. 

MICUS 

Indeed you will, Mrs. Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER 

Don't you know that 'tis Sunday night, an' that the 
police might call any minute? 
MICUS (disdainfully) 
The police! 

PADNA 

Bad luck to them! 

MICUS 

Amen! 

MRS. COTTER 

This will be the last drink that any one will get in 

this house to-night. 

^Exit, 

MICUS 

'Tis a nice state of affairs to think that dacent men, 
after a hard week's work, can't have a drink in pace 
and quietness in the town they were born and reared 

5 



6 DUTY 

in, without bein' scared out o' their senses by the 
police ! 

PADNA 

'Tis the hell of a thing, entirely! I don't see what's 
gained be closin' the pubs at all, unless it be to give 
the police somethin' to do. 

MICUS 

The overfed and undertaught bla'gards! 

PADNA 

As far as I can see, there's as much drink sold as if 
the pubs were never closed. 

MICUS 

There is, an' more; for if it wasn't forbidden to drink 
porter, it might be thought as little about as water. 

PADNA 

I don't believe that, Micus. Did you ever hear of a 

pint or even a gallon of water makin' any one feel 

like Napoleon .f^ 

^Mrs. Cotter enters and places drinks on table. 
PADNA {handing money) 

There ye are, ma'am. 
MRS. COTTER {takes money) 

Hurry now like good boys, for forty shillin's is a lot 

to pay for a pint o' porter, an' that's what 'twill cost 

ye if the police comes in an' finds ye here. An' I'll 

lose me license into the bargain. 

lExit. 

MICUS 

One would think be the way the police are talked 
about that they had charge of the whole Universe! 

PADNA 

An' who else has charge of it but themselves an' the 
magistrates, or justices o' the pace, as they're called.'^ 



DUTY 7 

MICUS 

They're worse than the police. 

PADNA 

They're as bad anyway, an' that's bad enough. 
MICUS (scornfully) 
Justices o' the pace! 

PADNA 

Micus! 

MICUS 

What? 
PADNA (thoughtfully) 

There's no justice in the world. 

MICUS 

Damn the bit ! Sure 'tisn't porter we should be drinkin' 
a cold night like this ! 
PADNA (as he sips from pint) 

'Tis well to have it these times. 

MICUS 

The world is goin' to the dogs, I'm afraid. 

PADNA 

'Tisn't goin' at all, but gone. 

MICUS 

An' nobody seems to care. 

PADNA 

Some pretend they do, like the preachers, but they're 
paid for it. I do be often wonderin' after readin' the 
newspapers if God has forgotten about the world 
altogether. 

MICUS 

I wouldn't be surprised, for nothin' seems to be right. 
There's the police, for instance. They can do what 
they like, an' we must do what we're told, like childer. 



8 DUTY 

PADNA 

Isn't the world a star, Micus? 
Micus {with pint to his mouth) 
Of course it is. 

PADNA 

Then it must be the way that it got lost among all 
the other stars one sees on a frosty night. 

MICUS 

Are there min in the other stars too? 

PADNA 

So I believe. 

MICUS 

That's queer. 

PADNA 

Sure, everythin' is queer. 

MICUS 

If the min in the other stars are like the peelers, there 
won't be much room in Hell after the good are taken 
to Heaven on the last day. 

PADNA 

The last day! I don't like to think about the last day. 

MICUS 

Why so? 

PADNA 

Well, 'tis terrible to think that we might be taken to 
Heaven, (pauses) an' our parents an' childer might 
be sent (points towards the floor) with the Protestants. 

MICUS 

If the Protestants will be as well treated in the next 
world as they are in this, I wouldn't mind goin' with 
'em meself. 

PADNA 

I wouldn't like to be a Protestant after I'm dead, Micus. 



DUTY 9 

Micus {knocks with his pint on the table and Mrs. Cot- 
ter enters; he points to pints) 
The same again, Mrs. Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER 

Indeed, ye won't get another drop. 

MICUS 

This will be our last, ma'am. Don't be hard on us. 
'Tis only a night of our lives, an' we'll be all dead 
one day. 
MRS. COTTER (as she leaves the room with measures in 
hand) 

Ye ought to be ashamed o' yerselves to be seen in 
a public house a night like this. 

MICUS 

We're ashamed o' nothin,' ma'am. We're only our- 
selves an' care for nobody. 
MRS. COTTER (turning round) 

Well, this is the very last drink ye'll get then. 
lExit. 

PADNA 

Women are all alike. 

MICUS 

They are, God forgive them. 

PADNA 

They must keep talkin'. 

MICUS 

An' 'tis only a fool that 'ud try to prevent 'em. 
MRS. COTTER (entering and placing measures on table) 

Hurry up, now, an' don't have me at the next Petty 

Sessions. 

ZExit 
MICUS (after testing drink) 

Nothin' like a good pint o' "Dundon's." 



10 DUTY 

PADNA 

'Tis great stuff. 

MICUS 

May the Lord spare them long, an' they buildin' 
houses for the poor an' churches for God! 

PADNA , 

An' all out o' the beer money? 

MICUS 

Of course. What else could ye make money at in a 
country like this? 

PADNA 

'Tis a thirsty climate! 

MICUS 

If all those who made money built houses for the poor 
an' gave employment, there 'ud soon be no poor at all. 

PADNA 

You're talkin' what's called socialism now, an' that's 
too delicate a plant, like Christianity, to thrive in a 
planet like this. So I heard one o' them preacher 
chaps sayin' the other evenin'. 

MICUS 

Well, be all accounts, we're no better off than those 
who heard St. Peter himself preachin'. The poor still 
only get the promise of Heaven from the clergy. 

PADNA 

That's all they'll ever get. 

MICUS 

The world must surely be lost, Padna. 

PADNA 

Nothin' surer! 

MICUS 

If God ever goes rummagin' among the stars an' finds 
it again, there'll be bad work, I'm thinkin'. 



DUTY 11 

PADNA 

I wonder will it be a great fire or another flood? 

MICUS 

'Tis hard to tell! 

\[A loud knocking is heard at the door. 
MRS. COTTER (from the shop) 
Who's there? 

VOICE 

Police. 

PADNA 

May ye freeze there! 

MICUS 

Or trip over the threshold and break ye'r neck! 
MRS. COTTER (rusMng into kitchen) 

Quick! quick! quick! {Points to a door) This way, 

boys! 

[Micus and Padna enter a small room off the kitchen. 

Mrs. Cotter locks the door and opens the street door for 

the policeman, the knocking getting louder meanwhile. 

MRS. COTTER 

Wait a minit! Wait a minit! I'm comin', I'm comin*. 
[Opens door. Enter Head Constable Mulligan, R. I. C. 

HEAD 

You took a long time to open the door, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

I know I did, but it wasn't me fault, Head. I had 
the house locked up for the night, an' couldn't find 
where I left the kay. 

HEAD 

'Tis all right, ma'am. I can lose things meself . (Looks 
carefully around) 'Tis a lonesome thing to see the 
house so empty. 



U DUTY 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis Sunday night, Head. 

HEAD 

Of course, of course! All the same I'd prefer to see it 
full — of bona-fide travellers, I mean. 

MRS. COTTER 

Thank ye. Head. How's Mrs. Mulligan an' the 
childer? 

HEAD 

Wisha, purty fair. How's the world usin' yourself? 

MRS. COTTER 

Only for the rheumatics I'd have no cause to grumble. 

HEAD 

'Tis well to be alive at all these times. An' Bally- 
ferris isn't the best place to keep any one ahve in 
winter time. 

MRS. COTTER 

Or summer time ayther. Whin the weather is good 
trade is bad. 

HEAD 

That's always the way in this world. We're no sooner 
out o' one trouble before another commences. I al- 
ways admire the way you bear your troubles, though, 
Mrs. Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER 

I does me best. Head. 

HEAD 

Just like meself! Just like meself! The Government 
makes laws an' I must see that they're not broken. 
{Rubbing his hands together) 'Tis a cold night, an' no 
doubt about it. 

MRS. COTTER 

Bad weather is due to us now. 



DUTY 13 

HEAD 

Every thin* bad is due to some of us. Only for that 
shark of an Inspector 'tis httle trouble I'd be givin' 
a dacent woman like yourself a night like this. 

MRS. COTTER 

He's very strict, I hear. 

HEAD 

He's strict, disagreeable, a Protestant, a teetotaler, 
an' a Cromwellian to boot! 

MRS. COTTER 

The Lord protect us! 'Tis a wonder you're alive at 
all! 

HEAD 

Wisha, I'm only half alive. The cold never agrees 
with me. {Looking at fire) That's not a very dan- 
gerous fire, an' I'm as cold as a snowball. 

MRS. COTTER (with her back to the door behind which 
Padna and Micus are hiding) There's a fine fire up- 
stairs in the sittin'-room. 

HEAD (draws a chair and sits down) 
Thank ye, ma'am, but 'tisn't worth me while goin' 
up-stairs. As I said before, I wouldn't trouble you at 
all only for the Inspector, an' hke Nelson, he expects 
every one to do their duty. 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis a hard world. 

HEAD 

An' a cold world too. I often feels cold on a summer 
day. 

MRS. COTTER 

That's too bad! Is there no cure for it? 

HEAD 

They say there's a cure for everything. 



14 DUTY 

MES. COTTER 

I wonder if ye took a drop o' "Wise's" ten-year-old! 
It might help to warm ye, if ye sat be the fire up-stairs. 
HEAD (brightening up) 

Now, 'pon me word, but that's strange! I was just 
thinkin' o' the same thing meself. That's what's 
called telepattery or thought transference. 

MES. COTTER 

Telia — what. Head? 
HEAD (vnth confidence) 

Telepattery, ma'am. 'Tis like this: I might be in 
America — 

MRS. COTTER 

I wish you were — 
HEAD (with a look of surprise) 
What's that, ma'am .f* 

MRS. COTTER 

I wish for your own sake that you were in a country 
where you would get better paid for your work. 
HEAD (satisfied) 

Thank ye, ma'am. I suppose min like meself must 
wait till we go to the other world to get our reward. 

MRS. COTTER 

Very Hkely! 

HEAD 

Well, as I was say in', I might be in America, or New 
York, Boston, Chicago, or any o' thim foreign places, 
an' you might be in this very house, or up in your 
sister's house, or takin' a walk down the town, an' 
I'd think o' some thought, an' at that very second 
you'd think o' the same thought, an' nayther of us 
would know that we were both thinkin' o' the same 
thing. That's tellepattery, ma'am. 



DUTY U 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis a surprisin' thing, surely ! Is it hot or cold you'll 
have the whiskey. Head? 

HEAD 

Cold, if ye please. . 

[^Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up 

and down whistling some popular air. Enter Mrs. 

Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER 

Will I bring it up-stairs for you? 

HEAD 

Indeed, I'm givin' you too much trouble as it is. I'll 
try an' take it where I am. (Takes glass and tastes) 
That is good stuff. 

MRS. COTTER 

I'm glad you like it. 

HEAD 

Who wouldn't like it? 

MRS. COTTER 

I don't know the taste of it. 
HEAD (as he finishes contents of glass) 

May ye be always so, though there's nothin' like it 

all the same. {Handing coin) I think I'll have a 

little drop from meself this time. 
MRS. COTTER {as she takes the money) 

Will I bring it up-stairs? 

HEAD 

Erra, don't bother! I'm beginnin' to feel meself again. 
[_Fills his pipe until she returns. 
MRS. COTTER {entering and handing drink) 

Did you bring your overcoat with you. Head? 

HEAD 

Why so, ma'am? 



16 DUTY 

MRS. COTTER 

Because the cold o' the rain is there. I wouldn't 
make any delay but go home immediately. You 
might get a wettin'. 
HEAD {feeling his tunic) 

This wouldn't leave in a drop o' rain in a hundred 
years, ma'am. 
[^Knock at door. 

MRS. COTTER 

Who's there? 

VOICE 

Police ! 

HEAD 

Police, did I hear? 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis the Sergeant's voice. 

HEAD 

Glory to be God! I'm ruined! If he finds the smell o' 
whiskey from me, he'll tell the Inspector, an' then 
Head Constable Mulligan is no more! 

MRS. COTTER 

Is he as bad as that? 

HEAD 

He has no conscience at all. He's a friend o' the 
Inspector's. (Knocking continues at door) Don't open 
that door till I tell you — that's if you don't want to 
find a corpse on the floor. 

MRS. COTTER 

Sure, I must open the door. 

HEAD 

Time enough. He's paid for waitin'. Have you such 
a thing as an onion in the house? 



DUTY 17 

MRS. COTTER 

I didn't see an onion for the last three weeks. 
HEAD (scratching his head) 

What the blazes will I do? (Looking towards coal hole) 
Whist! I*m saved. I'll go in here until he's gone. 
(Goes in and puts out his head) You can open now, 
but get rid of him as soon as you can. 
^Exit Mrs. Cotter. Enter the Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

So you opened at last. Well, better late than never! 

MRS. COTTER 

I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Sergeant. I don't 
open the door for any one on Sunday nights, an' whin 
you said "Police," I thought it was one o' the boys 
tryin' to desaive me. 

SERGEANT 

I see! I see! There's a lot o' desaitful people in the 
town, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

There are. Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

There are indeed. (Coughs) I'm sick an' tired o' the 
place altogether. 

MRS. COTTER 

I thought it agreed with you. You're lookin' very 
well, anyway. 

SERGEANT 

I'm not feelin' well at all thin. (Coughs) There's 
nothin' more deceptive than looks at times. (Coughs) 

MRS. COTTER 

True. 

SERGEANT 

'Tis in me bed I should be instead of troublin' dacent 



18 DUTY 

people like yourself a night like this. {Coughs) But 
duty is duty, an' it must be done. If I didn't do 
what I'm told, that bla'gard of a Head Constable 
would soon have another an' maybe a worse man in 
my place. 

MRS. COTTER 

The Lord save us! \ 

SERGEANT 

But as herself says : There's no use in the Government 
makin' laws if the people don't keep them. 

MRS. COTTER 

That's so. 

SERGEANT 

Keepin' the world in order is no aisy business, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis a great responsibility. 
SERGEANT {drawing a chair to the fire and sitting down) 
'Pon me word I'm tired an' cold too. 

MRS. COTTER 

Wouldn't ye go home and go to bed, Sergeant? 

SERGEANT 

If I went to bed at this hour, the Head would send a 
report to his chum the Inspector, statin' that I was 
drunk. {Coughs) 

MRS. COTTER 

That's a bad cough. How long is it troublin' ye? 

SERGEANT 

Only since supper time. I was eatin' a bit o' cold 
meat, an' a bone or somethin' stuck there. {Points at 
his throat) 

MRS. COTTER 

An' what did ye do for it? 



DUTY 19 

SERGEANT 

What could I do for it? 

MRS. COTTER 

Ye could take a drink o' somethin' an' wash it down. 

SERGEANT 

I tried some cold tea. (Coughs) 

MRS. COTTER 

I wonder would a bottle of stout do any good. 

SERGEANT 

'Twould be no harm to try. 

MRS. COTTER 

Will ye have a bottle? 

SERGEANT 

To tell ye the truth, I don't like bein' disobligin', 
ma'am. (Coughs) 

\iExit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up 
and down, whistling the while. 
MRS. COTTER (at door) 

Ye might as well come up-stairs, Sergeant. There's a 
fine fire in the sitting-room. 

SERGEANT 

I'm first rate where I am. Thank you all the same. 
\iTakes stout and finishes it without withdrawing it from 
his mouth. Coughs. 

MRS. COTTER 

How do you feel now? 
SERGEANT (wiping his mouth with a large old handker- 
chief) 'Tis gone! I mean the bone. I feel meself 
again. 

MRS. COTTER 

I'm glad of that. (Looking at clock) 'Tis gone half- 
past ten, Sergeant. 



20 DUTY 

SERGEANT 

Plenty o' time. We'll be a long time dead, an' happy 
I hope. 

MRS. COTTER 

Amen ! 

SERGEANT 

'Tis my belief that we should all try to do good while 
we're alive. 

MRS. COTTER 

There's a lot o' good people in the world, Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

There is, ma'am, but nearly every one o' them thinks 
that they're better than what they are. That's what 
annoys me. 

MRS. COTTER 

Sure 'tis imagination that keeps the world movin'. 

SERGEANT 

Yes, an' ambition. All the same, 'tis a good job that 
people can't see themselves as they really are. 

MRS. COTTER 

They wouldn't believe that they were themselves if 
they could. 

SERGEANT 

I suppose not. 

MRS. COTTER 

Won't ye come up to the fire in the sittin'-room? 

SERGEANT 

Don't be worryin' about me. I'm all right. That was 
good stout. 

MRS. COTTER 

The best! 

SERGEANT 

'Tis a cure for nearly every thin'. Only for takin' a 



DUTY 21 

little now an' again, I'd never be able to stand all the 
hardships o' me profession. 

MRS. COTTER 

Hard work isn't easy. 

SERGEANT 

True! But a good drop o' stout, or better still "spir- 
its" makes many things easy. 'Tis the seed o' pluck, 
so to speak. I'm feelin' just a little queer about the 
nerves. I think I'll have a drop o' "Wise's." 
\lExit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away he fills his pipe. 

MRS. COTTER (entering with drink) 

That's like the noise of a row down the road. 

SERGEANT 

Erra, let 'em row away! The Head is prowlin' about. 
Let him separate 'em. 'Tis about time he did some- 
thin' for his livin'. 'Tis a damn shame to have the 
poor rate payers supportin' the likes of him. 

MRS. COTTER 

I wouldn't be talkin' like that. Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

Why wouldn't I talk? There's as many Head Con- 
stables as clergy in the country, an' only for the ser- 
geants an' an odd constable 'tis unknown what 'ud 
happen ! 

MRS. COTTER 

The Head is a dacent gentleman. 

SERGEANT 

You don't know anythin' about him. Grumblin' about 
havin' to shave himself he does be now, an' only for 
havin' a bald patch on one side of his face, he'd let 
his whiskers grow altogether. 
^The Head sneezes in the coal hole. 



22 DUTY 

SERGEANT 

What noise is that? 
MRS. COTTER {startled) 

That's only the cat in the coal hole. 
SERGEANT {leaving his chair and moves toward it) 

He must be suffocatin'. I'll open the door an' let 

him out. Under the grate he should be a cold night 

like this. (Opens the door and sees the Head) Heavens 

be praised! 'Tis the Head himself! 

^The Head comes out, arranges his cap^ and is not aware 

that he has a black spot on his nose. 

HEAD 

'Tis the Head an' every inch an' ounce of him too 
that stands before ye. 

SERGEANT 

I thought 'twas y'er ghost I saw. 
HEAD (angrily) 

What the blazes would me ghost be doin' in a coal hole? 

SERGEANT 

What I'd like to know is what y'erself have been doin' 
there. 

HEAD 

That won't take me long to tell. Waitin' and watchin' 
to catch the likes o' you is what took me there. 

SERGEANT 

Now, Head, with all due respects, I'd try an' tell the 
truth if I were you. 

HEAD 

Sergeant Dooley, sir, anythin' you'll say or be hkely 
to say '11 be used in evidence against you. 

SERGEANT 

An' anythin' that you say or don't say may be used 
in evidence against you. 



DUTY 23 

HEAD (enraged) 
Sergeant Dooley! 

SERGEANT (coolly) 

Yes, Head. 

HEAD 

Do you know that y'er addressin' y'er superior oflScer? 

SERGEANT 

The less said about superiority the better. 

HEAD 

You can't deny that I found you drinkin' on these 
Hcensed premises while on duty. 

SERGEANT 

I might as well tell you candidly that you have no 
more chance o' frightenin' me or desaivin' me than 
you have of catchin' whales in Casey's duck-pond. 
HEAD (passionately) 
I'll — I'll — I — 

SERGEANT 

You'll have a drink from me, an' we'll say no more 
about the matter. I wouldn't blame any man for 
takin' a drop a cold night like this. I suppose 'twill 
be "Wise's" the same as the last? That's if me sense 
o' smell isn't out of order. 
HEAD (crestfallen, blows his breath on the palm of his 
hand and looks at the Sergeant) Is it as bad as that? 

SERGEANT 

I smelt it the instant I came in, an' wondered where 
'twas comin' from. 

HEAD 

I only took it to avoid catchin' cold. 

SERGEANT 

Just like meself . We must avoid catchin' cold at any 



24 DUTY 

cost. (To Mrs. Cotter) Two glasses o' "Wise's," 

ma'am. 

\^Exit Mrs. Cotter. 
SERGEANT (to Head) 

Wait, an' I'll wipe that black spot off ye'r nose. 

[^He does so. Enter Mrs. Cotter. 
MRS. COTTER (handing drinks) 

The fire up-stairs is blazing away, an' there's no one 

sittin' by it. 

HEAD 

We're all right. (Holding glass) Here's long life to us! 

SERGEANT 

Health an' prosperity! 
HEAD (after finishing drink) 

We must have another, for I'm not feelin' too well, 
an' 'tis better be on the safe side. 'Twas through 
neglect that some o' the best min died. 

SERGEANT 

We must not forget that! 
HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter) 

The same again, Mrs. Cotter. 
[^Exit Mrs. Cotter with glasses. 

HEAD 

I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish 
Constabulary are the finest in the world. 

SERGEANT 

Sure every one knows that! 

HEAD 

I wonder what kind are all the others? 

SERGEANT 

That's what I'd like to know. 
MRS. COTTER (at door) 

Will I bring them up to the sittin'-room, gentlemen? 



DUTY 25 

HEAD 

We're first class as we are, ma'am. 

\[Mrs. Cotter hands the glasses and a loud knock is 

heard at the door. 

MRS. COTTER 

Who's there? 

VOICE 

Police! 

HEAD 

'Tis the constable! 

SERGEANT 

The bla'gard surely! 

HEAD 

What'll we do? 

SERGEANT 

Take the drinks first, an' consider after. 

[They finish drinks and hand back the glasses to Mrs, 

Cotter. 

HEAD 

I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole. He has 
a better nose than yourself, an' one word from him to 
the Inspector would soon deprive us o' both stripes 
an' pensions. 

SERGEANT 

I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it 
does offend me dignity to go there. 

HEAD 

Wisha, bad luck to you an' ye'r dignity. Come on 
here! 

[The Head enters, and the Sergeant follov)s. Mrs. Cotter 
opens the street docrr and the Constable enters. 
CONSTA BLE {sarcastically) 

Thanks very much for ojjenin' the door, ma'am. 



26 DUTY 

MRS. COTTER 

I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Constable. I was 
sayin' me prayers up-stairs before goin' to bed. 

CONSTABLE 

If I had known that, I wouldn't have disturbed you. 
I hope you said one for me. 

MRS. COTTER 

Of course I did. I always ses a prayer for the police. 

CONSTABLE 

An' right too, ma'am, for 'tis little time we have for 
prayin'. There's no rest for a man once he joins the 
Force. Whin y're not kept busy thinkin' o' one thing, 
y're kept busy thinkin' o' somethin' else. 

MRS. COTTER 

Thinkin' is worse than workin'. 

CONSTABLE 

A hundred times. {Looking at his watch) 'Tis a long 
time since first Mass this mornin'. Saturday! Sun- 
day! Monday! 'Tis all the same whin y're in the 
Force. On y'er feet all day, an' kep' awake be the 
childer all night. An' whin pay day comes, all y'er 
hard earnin's goes to keep the wolf from the door. 

MRS. COTTER 

God help us! 

CONSTABLE 

Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother. 

MRS. COTTER 

We must go through it. 

CONSTABLE 

Well, 'tis a good job we don't live as long as the 
alligators. We might have to support our grand- 
childer if we did, an' I may tell you it gives me enough 
to do to support me own. 



DUTY 27 

MRS. COTTER 

How many have you now. Constable? 

CONSTABLE 

Seven, an' the wife's mother. 

MRS. COTTER 

I thought she was dead. 
CONSTABLE (disgusted) 

Dead! There's five years more in her! 

MRS. COTTER 

You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night. 

CONSTABLE 

An' why not.f^ When I have to put up with that 
bla'gard of a Sergeant — not to mention the Head- 
constable ! 

MRS. COTTER 

We all have our troubles. 

CONSTABLE 

Some of us get more than our share. An' 'tis far 
from troublin' a dacent woman like you I'd be, only 
for the Sergeant, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

Excuse me, Constable. I can't keep me eyes open 
with the sleep. 

CONSTABLE 

I'm sorry for troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it 
must be done whether we give offence to our best 
friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have 
no one on the premises. 

MRS. COTTER 

We can't please everybody. 
CONSTABLE {as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down) 
Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to 
have? 



28 DUTY 

MRS. COTTER 

If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room. 
Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk. 

CONSTABLE 

I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble. 
'Tis the pains I have here (placing his hand on his 
heart) that affects me. 

MRS. COTTER 

What sort are they? 

CONSTABLE 

Cramps — of the worst kind. 

MRS. COTTER 

Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them? 

CONSTABLE 

What would be good for 'em? 

MRS. COTTER 

Hot milk an' pepper. 

CONSTABLE 

I tried that. 

MRS. COTTER 

Anythin' else? 

CONSTABLE 

Nothin' except a smoke. 

MRS. COTTER 

Maybe a little drop o' "Wise's" would do some good? 

CONSTABLE 

I'd try anythin' that 'ud lessen the pain, though I'd 
rather not be troublin' ye. 

MRS. COTTER 

'Tis no trouble at all. 

^Exit. While she is away, something falls in the room 

where Micus and Padna are. The Constable fails to 



DUTY 29 

open the doovy and returns to his chair before Mrs. 

Cotter comes back with the drink. 
MRS. COTTER {handing glass) 

Drink that up, go straight home, bathe ye'r feet in 

mustard an' water, an' ye'll be as strong as a Protestant 

in the mornin'! 
CONSTABLE (taking glass) 

Thank ye, ma'am. 

\J)rinks it o;ff. The Head in the coal hole sneezes, and 

the Sergeant shouts "God bless us!" 

CONSTABLE 

What's that? 

MRS. COTTER 

Oh, that's nothin'. 

^Another sneeze and "God bless us!" 

CONSTABLE 

Well, if that nothin' isn't somethin', I'm dotin'. 
^jDpens door and Head and Sergeant jail out on the 
floor. 

SERGEANT 

'Tis all your fault with your blasted sneezin'. 

HEAD 

Now, maybe you'll believe that I've a cold. 

SERGEANT 

Don't be botherin* me. I can't believe meself not to 
mind a liar like you. 

HEAD {to the Constable, after he has got on his feet) 

Now, sir, what have you got to say for yourself? 
'Twill be useless for you to deny that meself an' the 
Sergeant here {points to the Sergeant who is still on the 
floor) have caught you drinkin' on these licensed 
premises durin' your hours o' duty. 



30 DUTY 

CONSTABLE 

An' what about me catchin' the pair o' ye hidin* in 
the coal hole o' the same licensed premises, an' a 
strong smell o' whiskey from ye? 

HEAD 

- 'Tis from yourself that you smells the whiskey. 
CONSTABLE (takes an onion from his pocket, peels it, and 

eats it slowly) 

I defy you or any one else to find the smell o' whiskey 

from me. 
HEAD (to the Sergeant) 

Well, don't that beat Banagher? 

SERGEANT 

The Devil himself couldn't do better. 

CONSTABLE 

Well, gentlemen, I'm sorry for troublin' ye, but duty 
is duty. I'll now place ye under arrest an' send for 
the Inspector. 

HEAD (in a rage) 

No more o' this nonsense! You'll pay for this night's 
work, believe me. 

CONSTABLE (smiUng) 

I'll pay for a drink for both o' ye for the sake of old 
times, an' the less said about this night's work the 
better. (All remain silent for a short time) Well, are 
ye goin' to have the drink? 

SERGEANT (to Head) 

We might as well take it, for 'tis the first time he 
ever offered to stand, an' it may be the last. 

HEAD (after much consideration) 

Very well, then, I'll have a drop o' the best. 

SERGEANT 

An' I'll have the same. 



DUTY 31 

CONSTABLE 

Three glasses o' "Wise's," Mrs. Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER {jrom the bar) 
Certainly, Constable. 

\^The Head and Sergeant remain silent , and the Con- 
stable paces up and down with his hands in his pockets, 
whistling some popular tune, until Mrs. Cotter brings 
in the drinks. 

MRS. COTTER (fls shc placcs the drinks on the table) 

I don't like to see ye in this cold kitchen, gentlemen. 
Can't ye come up-stairs to the sitting-room? 

CONSTABLE 

'Tisn't worth our while, ma'am. We have our work 
to do. (Taking glass in hand) Slainthe! 
^Drinks half the quantity of whiskey. The Head and 
Sergeant do likewise. A noise like the falling of furni- 
ture is heard from the room where Padna and Micus are. 
HEAD (startled) 
What's that? 
^There is silence for a while, then Micus is heard singing. 

MICUS 

"We are the boys of Wexford 

Who fought with heart an' hand 
To burst in twain the galling chain. 
An' free our native land." 

HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter who has come from the bar) 
I'll have the kay of that door, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

What kay. Head? 

HEAD 

The kay o' that door, ma'am. 
^Strikes door with his fist. 



32 DUTY 

MRS. COTTER 

Erra, Head, what's the matter with ye? That door 
is nailed up this seven years. That singin' comes from 
the next house. 

HEAD 

Glory be to God! Do any one alive tell the truth? 
{Catches hold of chair by the back) If you don't give me 
the kay, I'll burst open the door. 

MRS. COTTER 

I have no kay, Head. 
HEAD {holding chair over his head) 

Once more I demand the kay in the name of His 

Majesty the King, before I puts the legs o' the chair 

flyin* through the ledges. 
MRS. COTTER {crying, hands hey) 

Oh, wisha, what '11 I do at all? 
HEAD {taking key) 

You'll be told that later on, ma'am. 

MRS. COTTER 

They are only two neighbors like y'erselves. Can't 

ye go away an' lave 'em alone? 
HEAD {'placing key) 

Not a word now, ma'am, for anythin' that you will 

say or won't say must be used in evidence ag'inst ye. 
PADNA {singing) 

"Who fears to speak of Ninety-eight? 

Who blushes at the name? 
When cowards mock the patriots' fate. 

Who hangs his head for shame? 
He's all a knave or half a slave. 

Who slights his country thus: 
But true men, like you, men. 

Will drink your glass with us." 



DUTY 33 

HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter) 

That's a nice song to be singin' on a licensed premises, 
ma'am. 'Twould cause a riot if there was enough 
o' people about. No less than raidin' the police 
barracks would satisfy the likes o' that songster if he 
was left at large. {Opens door, Padna and Micus 
stagger on to the Uoor. They fall hut get on their feet 
again) What are ye doin' here? 

PADNA 

What the devil is that to you? 

MICUS 

Or to any one else either? 

HEAD 

Do ye know that this is a licensed premises? 
PADNA {looking at Micus) 
Of course we do. 

HEAD 

An' do ye know that this is Sunday night an' that 
I'm the Head Constable, an' that one o' these min 
here is the Sergeant an' the other is the Constable? 

PADNA {buttons his coat and looks defiantly at them) 
An' do ye know that I'm Padna Sweeney from Clash- 
beg? 

MICUS {also buttons his coat and looks aggressively at 
Head) 

An' that I'm his old pal Micus Goggin from Castle- 
clover? 

PADNA {as he staggers) 

Don't mind him, Micus. He's drunk. 

HEAD 

What's that you're sayin'? Who's drunk? 

PADNA 

Be jaikus, ye're all drunk. 



34 DUTY 

MICUS 

Come on away home, Padna, an' don't mind them. 
They're a bad lot. 

PADNA 

The smell o' drink from 'em is awful. 

MICUS 

'Tis disgustin*. I wouldn't be seen in their company. 
Padna. Come on away. 
HEAD {to Sergeant and Constable) 
Arrest these min! 

PADNA 

Do ye hear that, Micus.^ 
MICUS (opening his coat) 

I do, but I won't be insulted be the likes o' them. 
PADNA {opening his coat also) 

Nayther will I! 
HEAD {indignantly) 

Why don't ye arrest these min, I say? 
PADNA and MICUS {together) 

Arrest us, is it? (They take off their coats y throw them 

on the ground, and take their stand like pugilists) Come 

on, now, and arrest us! 

PADNA 

I'll take the best man. 

MICUS 

An' I'll take the lot. 

^J'he police try to arrest them, and a desperate struggle 
ensues. The police lose their caps and belts, but even- 
tually succeed in overpowering them. 
MRS. COTTER {rushcs to the rescue) 

O boys, for my sake, an' for the sake o' ye'r wives 
an' families, have no crossness but lave the house 
quietly. 



DUTY 35 

PADNA (as he struggles with the Sergeant) 

Don't fret, ma'am. We'll have no crossness. All we 
want is to wipe the police from the face o' the earth 
altogether. 

MICUS 

That's all. We'll have no crossness. 

^Handcuj^s are placed on Micus and Padua. 
HEAD (shouts) 

Take these min to the Barrack. 

ZThey struggle violently, and sing as they leave the house. 
PADNA and MICUS (together) 

"When boyhood's fire was in my blood, 

I read of ancient freemen 
For Grace and Rome who bravely stood. 

Three hundred men and three men. 
And then I prayed I yet might see 

Our fetters rent in twain. 
And Ireland, long a province, be 

A Nation once again." 

^Mrs. Cotter follows them to the door, and while the 
Head is alone, he writes in his notebook, talking aloud 
as he does so. 

HEAD 

"Found drunk an' disorderly on the licensed premises 
o' Mrs. Cotter, Ballyferris, during prohibited hours. 
Using bad an' offensive language. Resistin' arrest, 
assaultin' the police, an' doin' sayrious damage to their 
garments. Singin' songs of a nature likely to cause re- 
bellion an' threatenin' to exterminate the whole Royal 
Irish Constabulary." (Places hook hack in 'pocket) 
\_There is a little whiskey in each of the three glasses 
that were placed on the mantleshelf. The Head pours 



36 DUTY 

the contents of each into one and drinks it before Mrs, 
Cotter returns. Enter Mrs. Cotter. 

MRS. COTTER 

Oh, Head, you won't be hard on a lone widow, will 
ye? Don't prosecute thim poor min. Sure, they 
have done no more harm than y'erselves. 
HEAD {as he stands at door) 

Mrs. Cotter, ma'am! I'm surprised at you. 

MRS. COTTER 

For what, Head.^^ 

HEAD 

To think that you'd dare attempt to interfere with 
me in the discharge o' me duty! 

MRS. COTTER 

DUTY! 

CURTAIN 



JURISPRUDENCE 

A Comedy in One Act 



CHARACTERS 

Martin O'Flynn A Resident Magistrate 

Cornelius John Michael 

O' Crowley A New Justice of the Peace 

Phelan Duffy A Barrister-at-Law 

Brennan Cassidy A Solicitor 

Peter Dwyer Clerk of the Petty Sessions 

Court 
Richard Fennell 

Margaret Fennell Wife of Richard Fennell 

Sergeant Healy A Member of the Royal 

Irish Constabulary 

Constable O'Ryan A Member of the R. I. C. 

Constable McCarthy A Member of the R. I. C. 



JURISPRUDENCE 

A Comedy in One Act 

Scene: Room in courthouse at Ballybraggan. Magis- 
trates and clerk of court seated on the Bench. Barristers, 
townspeople^ and police in body of the court, 

MARTIN o'flynn (riscs and wipes his brow with a red 
handkerchief) Members of the Munster Bar, Mem- 
bers of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and — gentle- 
men (pauses) y and ladies also, before the Court opens 
for the dispensation of justice, I would like to say a 
few short words about a matter that concerns not 
only ourselves here present, and the town of Bally- 
braggan in particular, but everybody alive to their 
own interests and the whole world in general. We 
have with us to-day one who is no stranger to the 
people of this historic town, and it is with feelings of 
the highest regard that I stand before you in my priv- 
ileged capacity as resident magistrate to perform what 
seems to me to be the most pleasing and likewise the 
most joyous of duties that could fall to the lot of any 
man, whether he might come from where the waves of 
the tumultuous Pacific wash the shores of the great 
Western world or from the town of Mallow itself. And 
that is to have the honor and glorification of introduc- 
ing to you our new and worthy magistrate, Mr. Cor- 
nelius John Michael O'Crowley. (Applause) Far be 
it from me indeed to flatter any man, but there are 
times when we must tell the truth. (Applause) And 



42 JURISPRUDENCE 

when I say that there is no one more humble for a 
man of his achievements from here to Honolulu than 
Mr. O'Crowley himself, I am only telling the truth 
in a plain and unadorned form. Every effort put 
forth by Mr. O'Crowley for the welfare of mankind 
has been characterised by success, and what greater 
proof of his ability could we have than the fact that 
he is one of the largest wine merchants and hotel 
proprietors in the length and breadth of Munster? 
Indeed, if Mr. O'Crowley wasn't fully qualified for 
upholding and sustaining the dignity of the coveted 
title, Justice of the Peace, His Excellency the Lord 
Lieutenant, who is both a scholar, a gentleman, and a 
Scotchman to boot, would not be so pleased and 
delighted to confer on him an honor only worthy of a 
man of his attainments, sentiments, and quality of 
character. (Applause) 

PHELAN DUFFY 

On behalf of the legal profession of which I have the 
honor of being the oldest member, I am not only 
desirous but extremely overjoyed to have the golden 
opportunity of congratulating our worthy townsman 
Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley on the great 
distinction that has befallen him. We all have heard 
of that Englishman who said one time, with all the 
cleverness of an Irishman and a native of Ballybraggan 
at that: "Some are born great, others acquire great- 
ness, and more have greatness thrust upon them.*' 
Now to say that Mr. O'Crowley had greatness thrust 
upon him would not be a fact, and whether or not 
he was born great we don't know, but one thing is 
certain, and that is, he has acquired greatness. 
And when I say so, I wish it to be distinctly 



JURISPRUDENCE 43 

understood that I am not talking idly or glibly, 
but with all the sincerity of my heart. With the 
same sincerity that has characterised all my actions 
since I was first called to the Bar, and made of me 
what I am to-day. With the same sincerity that 
characterises every successful member of the legal 
profession, be he Irish, Scotch, or American. Let 
critics say what they will, but the fact remains that 
success is the best answer to adverse criticism. A 
man's true worth may not always be appreciated in a 
cold and heartless world like ours, but there will ever 
be found a few who can always sympathise with us in 
our sorrows and rejoice with us in our triumphs. And 
Mr. O'Crowley has the rare gift which enables him to 
do both. (Applause) He is a man of large and noble 
ideals, of sterling qualities and knows human nature 
in all its many phases. He knows the wants of the 
people and what's more, he knows how to satisfy them. 
He would not allow any man's light to be hidden 
under a bushel, so to speak, and why should we allow 
the bushel to hide his.?^ (Applause) Let credit be 
given where credit is due, was ever his motto. And 
only one month has elapsed since he said to me, after 
defending his own brother on a breach of the Sunday 
Closing Act in this very courthouse, "My heartiest 
thanks and warmest congratulations for your splendid 
victory. There isn't another man in the whole country, 
not even Tim Healy himself, who could win that case." 

SERGEANT HEALY 

On behalf of the Royal Irish Constabulary, I wish to 
be associated with the hearty and unanimous welcome 
extended to Mr. O'Crowley, whom I have known 
since the first night I came to the town. And my 



44 JURISPRUDENCE 

only regret is that I did not know him before, because 
men with his rare traits of character are not to be 
met with every day. His genial and kindly disposition 
has endeared him to us all. His doors are never closed 
on either Saturday, Sunday, Christmas Day, or any 
other day. Friend or foe, stranger or native of Bally- 
braggan, are all the same to Mr. O'Crowley. Each 
and every one is received with the same hearty wel- 
come. He is a man whom we think of in our hours 
of suffering, whether it be on the scorching heat of a 
summer's day or the blighting cold of a winter's 
night. It is my earnest wish, and I am sure that I am 
only expressing the sentiments of the whole of Mun- 
ster, that the success which has attended Mr. O'Crow- 
ley in all the ventures of his useful life will be doubled 
in his capacity as Justice of the Peace. (Applause) 

PETER DWYER 

In all the long years that I have acted as clerk of this 
court, I never felt more pleased at the coming of a 
new magistrate than when I heard of the discretion 
of His Excellency in selecting Mr. O'Crowley for this 
most exalted position. All that I might say in my 
congratulations and welcome has already been said, 
and I can only concur in the good wishes that have 
been offered, and though a lot more might have been 
said of one so praiseworthy, I know that Mr. 
O'Crowley will understand, it is not that we like 
him less but that we respect him more. Mr. 
O'Crowley is a man who is above pride and does not 
want the walls of Rome or the stones of the Munster 
roads to know what he does for mankind. So I will 
now conclude by wishing him all the success that he 
deserves, in the future and hereafter. 



JURISPRUDENCE 45 

MR. C. J. M. O'C ROWLEY 

Brother magistrates, members of the Bar, members of 
the Royal Irish Constabulary, and gentlemen: From 
the bottom of my heart I thank you for all the high 
compliments you have paid me this day, and I only 
hope that I will be long spared to be a source of com- 
fort and consolation to the men and women of Bally- 
braggan. I know, of course, that I am not a pararagom 
of perfection, but I have the wonderful satisfaction of 
knowing that I have been appreciated in my own 
time, and that's more than some of the world's best 
poets, philosophers, and other servants of mankind 
could have said. The superdalliance of some and the 
pomposity and congential insufficiency of others have 
always been a warning to me, and when opportunity 
sallied forth from her hiding place I never failed to 
recognise her queenly presence and extend a cead- 
mile-failte, and make of her my own, so to speak. 
Such was the way of Wellington and his contemporary 
Hannibal, and such must be the way of every man 
who must serve his country and himself. And be- 
lieve me, much as the people of Ballybraggan think 
about me, I think every bit as much about them. It 
is hardly necessary for me to say that we only get 
what we deserve in this world, and sometimes a little 
more or a little less as the case may be. The desirable 
propensities of the people of the town have endeared 
me to them with a spirit as strong as that which 
makes the ivy cling to the oak, and as we see the ivy 
fondly clinging to that monarch of trees, whether it 
sprouts its green leaves in the glorious sunshine or 
falls to the ground with decay, so will I cling to the 
people of Ballybraggan. Once again, I thank you, 



46 JURISPRUDENCE 

but in conclusion I must say that I will do all in my 
power to prove worthy of the reliance and confidence 
placed in me. (Applause) 

PETER DWYER 

The court is now open for the dispensation of justice. 
The only case before us to-day is one of house-break- 
ing, drunkenness from excessive use of poteen, which 
is an illegal drink, and resisting arrest by the police. 
The charge is laid against one Richard Fennell, and 
cross-summonses have been issued to Mr. and Mrs. 
Fennell. 

PHELAN DUFFY 

On behalf of my chent, Mrs. Fennell, I wish to im- 
press upon the Bench the gravity of the offence with 
which the accused Richard Fennell is charged, namely, 
drunkenness from excessive use of an illegal intoxicant 
known as poteen, house-breaking, terrorizing and al- 
most paralyzing with fear his highly strung and sen- 
sitive wife, and adding insult to injury in resisting 
arrest by his Majesty's guardian of law and order. 
Sergeant Healy. These are grave charges indeed, and 
who will gainsay that a man gifted with the spirit of 
destruction like Mr. Fennell is a menace to the peace- 
abiding town of Ballybraggan? Not since the heart- 
less barbarians made their ruthless descent upon the 
Roman Empire was there such havoc wrought in any 
one house, or did any individual member of society 
suffer so much from nervous prostration as Mrs. 
Fennell. 
MR. FENNELL (interrupting) 

Can't a man dust his own furniture and chastise his 
own wife if he feels like doing so? 



JURISPRUDENCE 47 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Order! order! There must be no interruptions in this 
court of justice. 

PHELAN DUFFY (continuing) 

You can well imagine how poor Mrs. Fennell thought 
that the end of the world was coming when she saw 
every bit of ware on the kitchen dresser smashed in 
pieces no larger than threepenny bits on the floor. 
And the alarm clock that woke Mr. Fennell every 
morning and reminded him that it was time to get 
up and make his wife's breakfast, which she always 
got in bed, struck dumb for ever with its works bat- 
tered beyond recognition. Think of this poor woman's 
feelings at such an awful moment. 

MR. FENNELL (interrupting) 

Feelings! She has no more feelings than a tomb- 
stone. 

PHELAN DUFFY (continuing) 

Think of this decent, self-respecting, loving wife and 
mother, who has had no less than three husbands. 

MRS. FENNELL (interrupting) 

An' I'll have another too, please GodJ 

PHELAN DUFFY 

Think, I say, of three husbands, and ten children. 
Six resting in the little churchyard at Ennisbeg, and 
four resting in the Royal Irish Constabulary. That 
Mr. Fennell was what we would call a model husband, 
before he touched this poteen goes without saying. 
Everything that his wife told him to do was done, 
and done to her satisfaction, and done whether he 
liked the doing of it or no. 
MRS. FENNELL (interrupting) 

I always made my husbands do what they were told. 



48 JURISPRUDENCE 

PHELAN DUFFY 

Mr. Fennell is no doubt guilty of a serious offence, 
but whoever sold him the base liquor is far more 
guilty in the eyes of the law, as well as the public. 
Needless to state, this fact does not in any way lessen 
the gravity of Mr. Fennell's offence, and I would ask 
the Bench not to allow any feelings of sentiment to 
interfere with the discharge of their duty. I would 
ask that the severest penalty allowed be inflicted on 
the accused for his unwarranted, unmanly, and black- 
guardly conduct. 
MRS. FENNELL (to Phelau Duffy) 

Wisha, bad luck to your impudence to call my hus- 
band a bla'gard. A dacent man that never went to 
the hkes of you or any one else for anything. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Order, order. 

MRS. FENNELL 

'Tis only the likes of lawyers that have the insolence 
to insult dacent people. Sure when they aren't igno- 
rant they're consated, and their wives and daughters 
are no better than themselves. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

Order, order. Unless you behave yourseK, you must 
be placed under arrest. 

MRS. FENNELL 

Sure, you don't think I can stand here with a tongue 
in me head and listen to me husband being insulted, 
do you? 

PETER DWYER 

Order, order, Mrs. Fennell, please. 

\^She attempts to speak again, and the sergeant places 

his hand over her mouth. She resents this action, and 



JURISPRUDENCE 49 

in a struggle which ensues the sergeant falls to the floor. 
He is helped to his feet by Mrs. Fennell, and both look 
at each other in a scornful way. 
SERGEANT HEALY (to Mrs. Fenuell) 

'Tis a good job for you that you're not Mrs. Healy. 

MRS. FENNELL 

And 'tis a blessing for you that you're not Mr. Fennell. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Order, order. This conduct is scandalous, Mrs. Fennell, 
and you must keep quiet. 

MR. FENNELL 

You might as well be asking a whale to whistle "The 
Last Rose of Summer" or asking the Kaiser to be- 
come a Trappist monk. 

PETER DWYER 

Order, order. Now please, Mrs. Fennell, come for- 
ward and give your evidence. 

MRS. FENNELL 

All I have to say is that my husband got the delirium 
tramens from drinking poteen ^nd broke every bit 
of furniture in the house, an' he might have killed 
myself. 

MR. FENNELL (very disgusted) 
I wish I knew how. 

MRS. FENNELL (continuing) 

Only for having the good sense of rushing to the front 
door and shouting for the police. I'm an orphan, 
your Worship, and that's why I'm here to seek pro- 
tection from the court. All the same, I haven't a 
word to say to my husband, the cowardly ruffian, 
only for his love of poteen, bad temper, and contrary 
ways. 



50 JURISPRUDENCE 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

That will do, Mrs. Fennell. 

MRS. FENNELL 

Thanks, your Worship. 
SERGEANT HEALY {takes out Ms uotehook. A clay pipe, 
box of snuffy and handkerchief fall to the floor. The 
snuff falls on the handkerchief. He replaces the snuff 
box and the pipe in his pocket, and wipes his face with 
the snuffy handkerchief. He then opens his notebook 
for reference and begins) 

On the night of December third {sneezes and says: 
God bless us!) I was on me rounds doin' beat duty 
in Market Square in the town of Ballybraggan 
{Sneezes) — God bless us ! — and all of a sudden with- 
out a moment's notice, I was disturbed from me 
reverie of pious thought, be a great disturbance like 
the falling of porter barrels from the top floor of a 
brewery, and without saying as much as the Lord 
protect me, I swung to me left from whence the 
noise came and beheld Mrs. Fennell {Sneeze) — God 
bless us ! — rushing out of her own house the way 
you'd see a wild Injun rushing in the moving pictures 
and shouting like a circus lion before his breakfast: 
*' Police! police! police!" An' as though it was the 
will of Providence, I was in the very place where me 
presence was required. 

MRS. FENNELL 

Accidents will happen. Sergeant. 

SERGEANT 

They will, and disasters too, if you don't hold your 
tongue. 

PETER DWYER 

Order, order. 



JURISPRUDENCE 51 

SERGEANT HEALY (continuing) 

Well, in with me to the house without a moment's 
delay, and what did I see but Richard Fennell sitting 
in an easy chair and smoking a cigar and looking as 
happy an' contented as a Protestant after a meal of 
corn beef and cabbage on a Friday. An' the house, 
the Lord save us ! — one would think that 'twas struck 
be a cyclone. The only thing that remained whole 
was the chair that he sat in and the decanter that fed 
the broken glass from which he drank the poteen. 
"What brings you here.'^" ses he, to me. An' only I 
had the presence of mind of clapping the handcuffs on 
him before I had time to answer such an impertinent 
question, there might be one more above in the old 
churchyard and one less in this court of justice. 
(Sneezes) God bless us! The story is nearly ended. 
(Sneezes) God bless us ! I — (Sneezes) God bless us ! 
I — (Waits for an expected sneeze and when disappointed 
he says "Thank God!") I brought the prisoner to 
the barrack and have here the poteen that changed 
him from a law-abiding townsman into a fiend incar- 
nate. (The sergeant then places the bottle of poteen on 
the counter, looks very hard at it, pretends to faint from 
sudden weakness, and asks for a drink of water) Can 
I have a little water, if you please? 
^Several rush to assist him. There is no water in the 
court, and the clerk gets the kind of inspiration that the 
sergeant desires and fetches the poteen. He pours some 
out in a glass and gives it to the sergeant. 

PETER DWYER (to the Sergeant) 
Try a little drop of the spirits, Sergeant, as there 
isn't a drop of water to be had. The plumbers are 
working at the pipes. 



52 JURISPRUDENCE 

SERGEANT (softly) 

Bad luck to them for plumbers. They are always a 
nuisance. {Before putting glass to his lips) I suppose 
I must take it, because I am dry as a bona-fide travel- 
ler. (He finishes it all in one drink) It doesn't taste 
too bad after all, and water at its best isn't much 
good for one who must do a lot of talking. I'll have 
a little more, if you please. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

You can't have any more. Sergeant. That would be 
abusing your privilege. 

SERGEANT HEALY {softly) 

Alright, your Worship. When a man's as full of the 
law as meself, 'tis hard to remember when he's privi- 
leged. 

^The sergeant recovers and the case proceeds. 
BRENNAN CASsiDY {for Mr. Fcnnell) 

On behalf of my client, Mr. Fennell, I wish to point 
out the absurdity of the charges brought against him. 
For no reason whatever and without a moment's 
warning, the sergeant rushed into his house without 
an invitation or observing the laws of common pro- 
priety by ringing the bell, and ruthlessly placed hand- 
cuffs on Mr. Fennell and marched him off to prison 
like a common felon. And not a shadow of evidence 
as to misbehavior against him except the statements 
of his wife about the breaking of some furniture. 
Now, let us suppose that Mr. Fennell did break the 
furniture. Was not that his own affair? The furni- 
ture was his property, and he could do with it as he 
pleased. Perhaps he did not like the manner in which 
it was designed, and Mr. Fennell, mistaking his aver- 
sion for things not in keeping with his artistic ideals, 



JURISPRUDENCE 53 

came to the conclusion that he was only on a voyage 
of destruction when he merely was proving how little 
of the philistine there was in his nature by removing 
from his home such articles as did not harmonize with 
his conception of the beautiful. The fact that the 
whole affair happened so hastily only goes to prove 
that Mr. Fennell has the artistic temperament. 

MRS. FENNELL 

The artistic temperament, my dear! What next! 

MR. CASSIDY 

The idea of doing away with the furniture, which Mr. 
Fennell emphatically states he disliked, — and what 
greater proof of the fact could we have than his action 
in destroying it? — came to him like an inspiration, and 
being a true artist he seized the opportunity, and the 
world was made all the lovelier by the riddance of ugly 
things. I think, in fact, I know that I have proved 
that the charge of house-breaking is absurd. (Takes 
out his watch, holds it in the palm of his left hand) 
This watch is mine, and if I should choose to smash it 
into a thousand fragments, who is there to prevent 
me? What power has the law over such matters? 
None whatever. Well, it would be just as ridiculous 
and absurd to punish my client for smashing his own 
furniture, which he purchased with his own hard 
earned money, as to punish me for smashing this 
watch if I should feel like doing so. (Applause, which 
is suppressed) To charge Mr. Fennell with drinking 
poteen is equally absurd. He does not know what 
poteen tastes like. The idea of taking a decanter and 
a bottle of whiskey out of any gentleman's house 
without his permission is tyranny of the very worst 
kind. It is a grievous offence in the eyes of the law 



54 JURISPRUDENCE 

as well as a breach of etiquette. What, might I ask, 
would happen if any of us were to break into His 
Worship's hotel and steal, or take if you will, some 
choice samples of his wines? Would we not find our- 
selves in a prison cell? Most assuredly we would, 
and what's more, our good name would be gone for- 
ever. The finger of scorn would be pointed at our 
children and our children's children, and posterity 
would never forget us. 

MRS. FENNELL 

'Tis only worse he's getting. 

PETER DWYER 

Order, order. 

MR. CASSIDY 

There is only one course for the Bench to adopt, and 
that is to discharge Mr. Fennell. He has already 
suffered enough and any one with such a ballyragging, 
unreasonable, unladylike, and headstrong wife de- 
serves our sympathy. 
MR. FENNELL (with indignation) 

Mr. Cassidy, sir. How dare you stand up there in 
my presence and insult my wife! You're no gentle- 
man, sir. Remember when you offend my wife, you 
offend me. Do you hear that? 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

This conduct is obstreperonious, Mr. Fennell. Mr. 
Cassidy is a gentleman, and he must not be either 
insulted or interrupted, while he is judiciously dis- 
charging the duties of his high office. 

MRS. FENNELL (sighs) 

Oh, God help us! The world must be turned upside 
down when a lawyer can be a gentleman. 



JURISPRUDENCE 55 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Hold your tongue, woman, or I'll order you to be 
arrested for contempt of court. 

MR. FENNELL 

The next man who says a word to my wife must fight 

me. 

[^Buttons his coat. 

PHELAN DUFFY (to the magistrates) 

The Bench must make due allowances for the excite- 
ment of the moment. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Of course, of course, Mr. Duffy, but we must not 
have a reoccurrence of such conduct. 

MR. FENNELL 

Meself and herself pulled together all these long years, 
and I'll be damned if I'll allow any one to say a word 
to her. 

[_Mrs. Fennell places a handkerchief to her eyes and 
commences to cry. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Order, order, this is a court of justice, and the case 
must proceed without further interruption or the 
strictest measures of the law will be adhered to. 
(Pauses, speaks to the police) Any one who inter- 
rupts me while I'm speaking must be ejected from the 
court. 

SERGEANT HEALY 

Your Worship's orders will be obeyed. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

Now, it was with the greatest of interest that I have 
listened to the speeches pro and con for the prisoner 
and never before or since have I heard such logic 



56 JURISPRUDENCE 

and eloquence as was used in this court of justice 
to-day. I am nearly sure, in fact I'm certain, that 
since the days when Marcus Anthony delivered his 
matchless orations before the proud and haughty 
Egyptians, did such wisdom flow from the lips of any 
man. By the judicious application of words and logic 
we have learnt what uses can be made of the law of 
the land, and though our reason may convince us 
and our conscience too, that right is right and wrong 
is wrong, yet, the law's the law for all that, and we 
are Justices of the Peace and must respect the law 
and abide by it. Mr. Duffy has clearly proved to us 
how drink, especially bad and illegal drink, like poteen, 
can change a man from a law-abiding, self-respecting, 
and obedient husband into a demon and a house- 
breaker. And Mr. Cassidy has also clearly proven 
on the other hand how that same drink can change a 
man from the ordinary humdrum things of life and 
turn his mind to noble ideals, and make of him an 
artist and an inspired one at that. Now science has 
proved to us that in every one man there are two 
men, — the artist, if I might be permitted to use the 
term, and the house-breaker. But as the two men are 
only one man, and the artist is the better of the two, 
then to the artist let us pay our respects, and dismiss 
the charge of house-breaking. 

MRS. FENNELL (sadly) 

Ah, God help us! The town will be full of artists 
when the militia comes home. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

The charge of house-breaking then will be dismissed, 
but I must impose a heavy fine and sentence for using 
the illegal intoxicant, poteen. 



JURISPRUDENCE 57 

MR. CASSIDY 

Will your Worship be good enough before passing 
sentence to make sure that the liquor is poteen? 

MR. O'CROWLET 

We have it on the testimony of the sergeant that it is 
poteen. 

MR. CASSIDY 

But with all due respect to the court, we cannot con- 
vict any one on such evidence. What does the ser- 
geant know about poteen? 
SERGEANT HEALY (indignantly) 

What do I know about poteen, is it? How dare you, 
sir? Was there a better maker of poteen in the 
County Cork than my own father, rest his soul! 

MR. O'C ROWLEY 

Now, isn't that evidence enough for you? Does the 
sergeant look like a man who doesn't know the dif- 
ference between a good and a bad drop of whiskey? 
MR. CASSIDY (sarcastically) 

I beg your Worship's pardon. But my client states 
that the evidence is insufficient, and if he should be 
convicted, he will bring the case before the Four 
Courts of Dublin. 

SERGEANT HEALY 

He can bring it to the four courts of — Jericho, if he 
likes, but that stuff in the bottle is poteen all the 
same. 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

As Mr. Fennel is so dogmatic about this liquor not 
being poteen, why does he not tell us where and from 
whom he purchased it? (To the sergeant) Are you 
sure. Sergeant Healy, that this liquor is poteen? 



58 JURISPRUDENCE 

SERGEANT HEALY 

As well as I remember the taste of it, your Worship, 
it is. But perhaps 'twould be better to make sure 
and try again. 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

Try again, then. 

SERGEANT HEALY 

Very well. 

[^Pours out a little and drinks it^ smacks his lipsy but 

says nothing. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Well, Sergeant, what is it? 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

Is it or is it not poteen? 

SERGEANT HEALY 

I don't get the flavor of it yet. 
^Takes another drop. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

What is it. Sergeant, poteen or just bad whiskey? 

SERGEANT HEALY 

Bedad, 'tis hard to tell. Sometimes I think 'tis poteen, 
and sometimes I think it isn't. But whatever it is, it 
isn't so good as the stuff me poor father used to brew. 
Maybe the constable could tell us. He comes from 
Castletownballymacreedy, where they make the best 
poteen in Ireland. 
[Hands a glassful to the constable. 
CONSTABLE o'ryan {after drinking) 

There's not a shadow of a doubt about it being 
poteen, your Worship, and as fine a drop as I have 
tasted for many a long day. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

Are you satisfied now, Mr. Cassidy? 



JURISPRUDENCE 59 

MR. CASSIDY 

I think it would be as well to have the opinion of some 
one else. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Constable McCarthy, let you take a toothful out of 
that decanter and tell us what it is. 

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY 

Though I am a League of the Cross man, I suppose as 
a matter of duty I must break me pledge. 
\^Pours out a glassful and drinks. 

MR. 0*CROWLEY 

Well, what is it? 

CONSTABLE MCCARTHY 

Poteen, your Worship. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

Now we have conclusive evidence that this liquor is 
poteen, and no more serious charge could be brought 
against any man than to be found guilty of using such 
obnoxious stuff by a court of justice. As with the law 
of nature, so with the law of the land. He who trans- 
gresses any of nature's laws gets duly punished ac- 
cording to the nature of his offence. And so also 
with the law of the country. Mr. Fennell must be 
punished, and his punishment must serve as an 
example to others and — 

MR. CASSIDY 

I beg your Worship's pardon. We do not always get 
punished for disobeying the laws of nature. Nature's 
strongest force is self-assertion, and excessive self- 
assertion is vanity, and vanity is sinful, and — 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

You must excuse me interrupting you, Mr. Cassidy, 
but that train of argument cannot be followed here. 



60 JURISPRUDENCE 

We have proved that poteen was found in the pris- 
oner's house, and if he did not make it himself, where 
then did he get it from? 

IMR. CASSIDY 

Mr. Feimel emphatically denies having anything to 
do with the making of the hquor found on his prem- 
ises. x\nd so far it has not been proved to either his 
or my satisfaction that the intoxicant is poteen. 

MR. o'CROWIiET 

Does your chent mean for a moment to cast a reflec- 
tion on the pohce of this town, and insinuate that they 
don't know what poteen is? 

ME. CASSIDY 

We are not satisfied with the decision of the police, 
your Worship. 

ME. o'CROWIiEY 

Very well then, we'll give it a further test. 
\lGives the decanter to the clerk, Peter Divyer. 

PETEE DWYEE {after tasting it) 

If that's not poteen, may I never wet my lips with it 

again. 
ME. o'cEOWLEY {to Mr. Cassidy) 

Perhaps you are satisfied now. 

MR. CASSIDY 

No, I am not. 

MAETIN. o'fLYNN 

Well, taste it yourself and tell us what it is. 
MR. CASSIDY {tastes it) 

Whatever it is, it is not poteen. 
MARTIN o'flynn {pours Old some in a glass) 

I'll soon settle the question. {Drinks) That's poteen, 

and good poteen too. 



JURISPRUDENCE 61 

MR. CASSIDY 

I beg to disagree with your Worship. 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

How dare you disagree with me, sir, and I drinking 
poteen every day of my hfe. I'd resign my seat on 
the Bench rather than suffer to be insulted in such a 
manner again. 

MR. CASSIDY 

I apologise. Nothing could be further from my 
thought than offence. 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

I'm glad to hear you say so, because when I said that 
the liquor in the decanter was poteen, I knew what I 
was talking about. Unless the prisoner tells us how 
he procured this illegal drink, he will be imprisoned 
for six months. 

MR. FENNELL 

For six months, is it? 

MARTIN o'fLYNN 

Yes, for six long months, and you must find bail for 
your good behavior at the end of the term for a period 
of twelve months. 

MR. FENNELL 

Well, as you are so anxious to know where I procured 
the stuff that you have certified to be poteen, I have 
great pleasure in telling you that it was purchased at 
Mr. Cornelius John Michael O'Crowley's establish- 
ment under the name of Scotch whiskey, and if there 
is any doubt about the matter, I can show you some 
of his own sealed bottles with the same stuff in them. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

The saints protect us! What a vile fabrication! 



62 JURISPRUDENCE 

MRS. FENNELL 

Ah, you old hypocrite, 'tis about time that you were 
found out. 

MR. O'CROWLEY 

Place that woman under arrest for contempt of court. 
(Mrs. Fennell is placed in the dock) Now, Mrs. Fennell, 
anything that you will say will be used in evidence 
against you, so I warn you to hold your tongue and 
keep quiet. 

MRS. FENNELL 

I'll try and keep quiet, your Worship. 

MR. o'CROWLEY 

Gentlemen, I regret to state that a mistake has oc- 
curred somewhere, and there's nothing more plentiful 
than mistakes. They commenced long ago in the 
Garden of Eden, and they are as inevitable as the day 
and night, as inevitable, I might say, as America it- 
self. Yes, some one has blundered, as Napoleon said 
when he woke up and found himself a prisoner on St. 
Helena. Mr. Fennell, alas! has erred, but to err is 
human, and to forgive is divine. We are reasonable 
people, and we must treat this matter in a reasonable 
manner. The prisoner has stated that he purchased 
poteen at my premises, but what rehance can we 
place on the word of a man who is addicted to drink- 
ing poteen? None whatever. We have only the pris- 
oner's word that the poteen was purchased at my 
establishment, but the probability is that he was only 
suffering from its ill effects when he imagined that I 
was the one who supplied it. Though I'm very sorry 
indeed to have anything to say against Mr. Fennell, 
his word cannot be taken as evidence, and the case 
will be dismissed. (Applause, which is suppressed) 



JURISPRUDENCE 63 

The dignity of the court must be upheld, and the 
next person who applauds will be ejected. 
^Mr, Fennell is dismissed and Mrs. Fennell placed in 
the dock. She goes through the usual ordeal of swearing^ 
and Mr. 0' Crowley tries her case. 

MB. O'C ROWLEY 

For contempt of court, Mrs. Fennell, you will be 
fined ten pounds, and you will be bound to the peace 
for twelve months, and you must give two securities 
of fifty pounds each, or go to jail for a term of six 
months with hard labor. And anything that you 
may say after the sentence of the court has been 
passed, of a disparaging nature to the Bench, will be 
considered as a necessity for further punishment. I 
hope that I have made myself perfectly clear. 

MRS. FENNELL 

Yes, your Worship, you have made yourself perfectly 
clear. (Starts to cry) Oh, what will I do at all? Is 
there no one to go bail for me? {Mr. Fennell looks 
like one who is trying to come to a decision, and Mrs. 
Fennell starts to cry again) Is it the way that ye'U 
be having me taken to the county jail for doing nothing 
at all? Oh, wisha, who's going to go bail for me? 
Maybe 'tis yourself, Mr. O'Crowley. 
MR. FENNELL {walking up to the dock) 

And I here, is it? Not for likely. I'll go bail for you, 
of course. 

CURTAIN 



MAGNANIMITY 

A Comedy in One Act 



CHARACTERS 

William Driscoll A public-house keeper 

Dennis Logan 
Bernard Falvey 
Garret Devlin 
Barry Nagle 
Police and Townspeople 



MAGNANIMITY 

A Comedy in One Act 

Scene: Back parlor of a country public house. The 
proprietory William Driscoll, a man of about fifty with a 
very dour expression^ sings as he sweeps the floor: 

"Oh, the days are gone, when Beauty bright 
My heart's chain wove; 

When the dream of hfe from morn till night 
Was love, still love. 
New hope may bloom. 
And days may come 
Of milder, calmer beam, 
But there's nothing half so sweet in life 
As love's young dream. 
No, there's nothing half so sweet in life 
As love's young dream." 
\_Logany a stranger, enters. 

LOGAN 

Good mornin'. 

DRISCOLL 

Good mornin' and good luck. What can I do for you? 

LOGAN 

I'll have a glass of the best whiskey. 

DRISCOLL 

All right, my good man. You shall get it. 
\_Exit. 



70 MAGNANIMITY 

LOGAN (takes up the morning paper, sits on the table, and 
speaks aloud) 

Be the pipers that played the dead march for Moses, 
but I'm twice as big a fool as I thought I was. 
And knowledge of that sort is cold comfort for any 
man. What's this I see here? "Daring burglary in 
the town of Castlemorgan. During the early hours 
of the morning, the house of Michael Cassily was 
broken into, and five pound notes, a gentleman's 
watch and a pair of silver candlesticks were stolen. 
So far, no arrests have been made, but the police 
have every hope of bringing those who committed 
the offence to justice, because Mr. Cassily states 
that he saw two men leaving by the back entrance, 
and found a piece of a coat-tail hanging from a nail 
on the porch." 

^He lifts up his coat, and discovers a piece missing from 
the tail, and is about to take it off for a closer inspection 
when the publican enters with the whiskey. 

DEiscoLL (as he places the whiskey upon the table) 

This is your drink, stranger, and believe me, you 
couldn't get a better drop of whiskey in the whole 
United Kingdom, not even if you went to the King's 
palace itself for it. 

LOGAN 

'Tis good, you say. 

DRISCOLL 

None better, and wonderful stuff to put heart into a 
man. 
LOGAN (drinks it off) 

'Tis the good flavor it has surely. (Pauses awhile) 
I think I'll have another, for 'tis plenty of heart I'll 
be wantin' before the day goes to its close. 



MAGNANIMITY 71 



DRISCOLL 

'Tis easy to feel plucky in the mornin', but 'tis a 
brave man who can feel happy at the heel of day, 
especially if he has an uneasy conscience and an 
empty stomach. 

LOGAN 

Hunger plays the devil with us all. A man with an 
empty stomach, an empty purse, and an empty house, 
except for a scoldin' wife, can never be happy. 

DRISCOLL 

That's so, but if that's all you have to contend with, 
you haven't much to worry about. Sure I thought 
by your looks and the way you spoke that you might 
have killed a man and had the bloodhounds after 
you. 

LOGAN 

A man's conscience is worse than having bloodhounds 
after him, if he has to spend months in idleness through 
no fault of his own, and no one to look for sympathy 
from but a scoldin' wife. 

DRISCOLL 

The Lord protect us from scoldin' wives, anyway. 
They're the scourge of Hell. But there are worse 
things than being married to a wife with no control 
over her temper. You might be like the thief who 
broke into the house of Michael Cassily and stole his 
grandfather's watch and chain and silver candlestick. 

LOGAN 

And when did all this happen .f^ 

DRISCOLL 

During the small hours of the mornin*. 

LOGAN 

That was a damnable thing to do. 



72 MAGNANIMITY 

DRISCOLL 

'Twas more foolish than anythin' else, because, if 
Michael Cassily should ever lay hands upon the man 
who stole his belongings, he'd shoot at him the way 
you'd shoot at a rabbit in a ditch and kill him as dead 
as one of Egypt's kings. 

LOGAN 

The Lord save us! You don't mean what you say. 

DRISCOLL 

I do, and every word of it. And a sure shot he is too. 
Indeed 'tis said that nothing in the sky or on the land 
could escape him when he has a gun in his hand. 

LOGAN 

I heard before comin' to this town that he was a very 
quiet and inoffensive man. 

DRISCOLL 

And so he is a quiet man when he's left alone. But 
when his temper is up, the devil himseK is a gentleman 
to him. 

LOGAN 

I'll have another glass of whiskey. 
l^Exit the publican. While he is away, Logan looks at 
the torn part of his coat, and a stranger enters. 
BARNARD FALVEY {saunters into the hack kitchen, picks a 
piece of wet paper off the floor, and tries to light it at the 
fire for the purpose of lighting his pipe, and after several 
unsuccessful attempts, he turns to Logan) 
Good mornin', and God bless you, stranger. 

LOGAN 

Good mornin', kindly. 

FALVEY 

It looks as though we were goin' to have a spell of 
fine weather. 



MAGNANIMITY 73 

LOGAN 

Judgin' by the way the wind is, it would seem so. 

FALVEY 

'Tis splendid weather for walkin' or tillin' the land. 

LOGAN 

'Tis good weather for anythin'. 

FALVEY 

All the same, 'tis a long stretch of a road from here 
to Ballinore. How far is it, I wonder? 

LOGAN 

Twenty miles at least. 

FALVEY 

Every step of it, and a long road for a man with the 
rheumatics and bronchitis too. 

LOGAN 

And what brought you from Ballinore? 

FALVEY 

And what would bring any poor man from his native 
town but lookin' for work. And that's a hard thing 
to be doin' when a man hasn't a friend to help him 
towards a job. 

LOGAN 

A man can always make friends if he wants to. 

FALVEY 

'Tis no easy thing for a man who hasn't a sleutherin' 
tongue and the takin' way with him to make friends, 
stranger. 

LOGAN 

'Tis easy enough to make fine weather friends. But 
I suppose a friend isn't worth a damn unless he can 
help a man when he's in trouble. 

FALVEY 

To have a lot of money is the easiest way of makin' 



74 MAGNANIMITY 



friends. But when a man hasn't either money or the 
sleutherin' tongue, he can't expect to have any more 
of the world's goods than myseK. 

LOGAN 

And have you no friends at all among all the milKons 
of people on the face of the earth? 

FALVEY 

The devil a one ever bothers their head about me but 
myseK. And what I can do for myself is hardly worth 
doin' for any one. 

LOGAN 

After all, when a man has his health and enough to 
eat, he should be contented. 

FALVEY 

But how could you expect the likes of me to be con- 
tented when I didn't break my fast this blessed day 
yet, and all I have in the world is the bit of tobacco 
you see in my old pipe, and unless you're not as dacent 
as you look, 'tis hungry maybe I'll be until I find a 
turnip field before the fall of night. 

LOGAN 

Would you drink a pint of porter and eat a penny bun? 

FALVEY 

Indeed I would, and remember the one in my prayers 
who'd give them to me. 
LOGAN (knocks and the "piiblican enters) 

Bring this man a pint of porter and give him one of 
the penny buns or two that you have on the porter 
barrel in the shop. 

DRISCOLL 

Indeed I will and much good may they do him. 
[_Places 'pint of porter and bread in front of Falvey who 
begins to eat and drink. 



MAGNANIMITY 75 



FALVEY 

God bless your noble soul and may you be long spared 
to do good in the world. (As he eats) There's no 
sauce like hunger, and no friend like the friend in need. 

LOGAN 

That's true. Now tell me, do you expect to get work 
in this town.? 

FALVEY 

'Tis my intention to try. 

LOGAN 

You'd have as much chance of slippin' into heaven 
with your soul as black as a skillet from mortal sins, 
unknownst to St. Peter, as you'd have of gettin' a 
job with an old coat like that. 

FALVEY 

And what can I do, God help me, when I have no 
other? 

LOGAN 

I'll swap with you, and then you'll have some chance, 
but otherwise you might as well walk back to where 
you came from. 

FALVEY 

But I couldn't take a coat from a strange gentleman 
like yourself and have an easy conscience. Sure, this 
old coat of mine is only fit to be used for a scarecrow. 

LOGAN 

You're a fool to be talkin' like that, stranger. Don't 
you know that you must take all you can get and give 
away as little as you can if you want to be successful 
in life? 

FALVEY 

And why, then, should you be givin' me your coat 
when you want it yourself? 



76 MAGNANIMITY 

LOGAN 

You had better say no more, lest I might change my 
mind. Sure, 'tis sorry I may be to-night when I'm 
facing the cold winds on the lonely roads that I ex- 
changed my fine warm coat for an old threadbare 
garment that a rag man wouldn't give a child a lump 
of candy for. 

FALVEY 

Sure, St. Francis himself couldn't do more, and he 
that tore his coat in two and shared it with the beggars. 

LOGAN 

'Tis easy for a saint of God to be good, when he feels 
that he'll be rewarded for his self-sacrifice, but have 
no more old talk and give me that old coat of yours, 
or if you don't I might change my mind, and then 
you'll have plenty of time to regret your foolishness. 

FALVEY 

Very well, stranger, very well. {They exchange coats) 
May the Lord spare you all the days you want to 
live, and may you never want for any thin' but the 
ill wishes of your enemies. 

LOGAN 

That coat makes you look like a gentleman, and if 
you only had a better hat, and a good shave, you 
might get some old widow with a small farm to marry 
you, if you are a bachelor. 

FALVEY 

Of course I'm a bachelor. Who'd be bothered with 
the likes of me for a husband. Sure, I wouldn't raise 
my hand to a woman in a thousand years, and what 
do women care about a man unless he can earn lots 
of money and leather the devil out of them when they 
don't behave themselves? 



MAGNANIMITY 77 



LOGAN 

That's true. And when a man hasn't any money to 
give his wife, the next best thing to do is to give her a 
good beatin'. 

FALVEY 

That's what my father used to say. But 'tis the lucky 
thing for me all the same that I'm not married, an' 
that I strayed into a house like this to-day. Yet I 
don't think 'tis a bit fair for me to be wearin' your 
fine coat and you wearin' mine. You don't look a 
bit comfortable in it. 

LOGAN 

I feel comfortable, and far more comfortable than you 
can imagine; and after all that's what matters. Every 
eye forms its own beauty, and when the heart is 
young, it doesn't matter how old you are. 

FALVEY 

That's true! That's true! But 'tis the dacent man 
you are, nevertheless, and 'tisn't the likes of you that 
a poor man like myself meets every day. 

LOGAN 

No, and it may be a long time again before you will 
meet another like me. But be that as it may, I must 
be going now, so here's a shillin' for you and go to the 
barber's next door and have a shave before startin' 
to look for work. {Hands shilling) Good-by. 

FALVEY 

Good-by, God bless you and long life to you. 
{^Exit Logan. Enter an old friend, 
GARRET DEVLIN {walks slowly and takes the newspaper 
from the table, looks at the clock) 

Only half-past ten, and damn the bit to do. Ah, 
me! ah, me! One bloody day like another! 



78 MAGNANIMITY 



^Sits on the chair and yawns. Knocks for the publican. 
Enter DriscolL 

DRISCOLIi 

Good mornin', Garret. Any thin' new to-day? 

DEVLIN 

Yes, I have good news this mornin'. 

DRISCOLL 

An' what is it? 

DEVLIN 

Oh, not much, only that a grand-uncle of mine is 
after dyin' in America and leavin' me a fortune of a 
hundred thousand pounds. 
DRISCOLL (sceptically) 

That's a terrible responsibility for a poor man to have 
thrust upon him. What are you going to do with it at 
aU? 

DEVLIN 

Well, I was thinkin' of buyin' a new suit of clothes and 
dividin' what's left between the poor of the town, the 
Sisters of Charity, and the Salvation Army. 

DRISCOLL 

Wisha, I'm sick and tired of hearin' old yarns like 
that. I suppose 'tis the way that you want a half 
a glass of whiskey and haven't the price of it. 

DEVLIN 

How dare you insinuate such a thing. (Places a sover- 
eign on the table) Give me a half a whiskey and no 
more old talk out of you. 

DRISCOLL 

And where did you get all that money? 

DEVLIN 

That's my business. I got it from the captain in the 



MAGNANIMITY 79 



Salvation Army when I told him how much money I 
was goin' to give him by and by. 

DRISCOLL 

Well, that's the first and last donation you'll ever 
get from the Salvation Army. Sure, if you got all 
the money that was to be left to you since I knew you 
first, you'd be buildin' libraries all over the world like 
Carnegie to advertise your vanity. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis nothin' to you whether I will build libraries or 
public houses for the poor when I'll get all the money 
that's comin' to me. 

DRISCOLL 

Ah, wisha, I'm about sick and tired of hearin' all the 
things you're going to do. 

DEVLIN (crossly) 

I don't give a damn whether you are or not. Go and 
get me the whiskey, or I'll get it elsewhere. 

DRISCOLL (plausibly) 

Very well, very well! I'll get you the whiskey. 

lExit 

DEVLIN (to Falveyy who is still eating his loaf of bread) 
Good mornin', stranger. 

FALVEY 

Good mornin' and good luck, sir. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis a fine mornin'. 

FALVEY 

A glorious mornin', thank God. 

DEVLIN 

Is that your breakfast that you're eatin'? 



80 MAGNINIMITY 



FALVEY 

Indeed it is, stranger, and maybe my dinner and 
supper too. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis the hell of a thing to be poor. 

FALVEY 

Sure 'tis myself that knows it. 

DEVLIN 

And 'tis as bad to be rich and not to be able to get 
any of your money like myself. 

FALVEY 

There's trouble in everythin', but no respect for the 
poor. 

DEVLIN 

None whatever! none whatever! And no greater 
misfortune could befall a man than to be poor and 
honest at the same time. But all the same I'll be a 
millionaire when my money comes from America. 

FALVEY 

America must be a great country. One man is as 
good as another there, I believe. 

DEVLIN 

So they say, when both of them have nothin'. (Look- 
ing hard at the stranger) Tell me, haven't I seen 
you somewhere before? What's that your name is.^^ 

FALVEY 

My name is Bernard Falvey, and I come from Balli- 
nore. 

DEVLIN 

Well, well, to be sure, and I'm Garret Devlin, your 
mother's first cousin! Who'd ever think of meetin' 
you here. The world is a small place after all! 



MAGNANIMITY 81 



FALVEY 

It must be fifteen or more years since last we met. 

DEVLIN 

Every day of it. And what have you been doing 
since.f^ I'd hardly know you at all, the way you have 
changed. 

FALVEY 

Workin' when I wasn't idle and idle when I wasn't 
workin', but in trouble all the time. 

DEVLIN 

You're like myself. I too only exchange one kind of 
trouble for another. When I got married I had to 
live with the wife's mother for two years, and when 
she died, I had to support my widowed sister-in-law's 
three children. And when they were rared and fit 
to be earnin' for themselves and be a help to me, they 
got drowned. Then my poor wife lost her senses, and I 
haven't had peace or ease ever since. She thinks that 
she is the Queen of England, and that I'm the King. 

FAVLEY 

An' have you no children? 

DEVLIN 

One boy. 

FALVEY 

An' what does he do for a livin'? 

DEVLIN 

He's a private in the militia, and his mother thinks 
he's the Prince of Wales. 

FALVEY 

God help us all, but 'tis the queer things that happen 
to the poor. 

DEVLIN 

An' what are you doin' in these parts? 



82 MAGNANIMITY 

FALVEY 

Lookin' for work. 

DEVLIN 

An' that itself is the worst kind of hardship. I don't 
think that there's much doin' these times for the 
natives, not to mention the strangers, though 'tis 
the strangers get the pickings wherever they go. 
We'll have a look at the newspaper and see what's 
doin' anyway. (Reads from the advertisement columns) 
"Wanted a respectable man, to act as a coachman to 
His Lordship the Bishop. He must have a good ap- 
pearance, have sober habits, and a knowledge of 
horses and the ways of the clergy." 
That won't do. 

"Wanted, a young man of dashing appearance, with 
a good vocabulary to act as travelling salesman, must 
be well recommended, and have a thorough knowledge 
of the dry goods business." 
That won't do either. 

"Wanted, a middle-aged man to act as companion to 
an invalid. He must have a knowledge of French and 
German, and be able to play the violin." 
That won't do. 

"Wanted a man to make himself generally useful at 
an undertaker's establishment. Apply to Michael 
Cassily. William O'Brien St." 
Bedad, but that's the very job for you. 

FALVEY 

But how am I to get it? 

DEVLIN 

I'll give you a letter of introduction to Micky Cassily. 
He's an old friend of mine. 



MAGNANIMITY 83 



FALVEY 

Sure, that would be a great thing entirely. 

DEVLIN 

Wait now, and I'll make a man of you, and if you 
should ever become Lord Mayor of Cork or Dublin, 
you must not forget me. 

FALVEY 

Indeed, I'll never be able to forget this blessed day, 

and the kindness of the people I have met in Castle- 

morgan. 

\^Knocks for the publican, and walks up and down; 

when the publican enters, he assumes an air of great 

importance. 

DRISCOLL 

What's the matter? 

DEVLIN 

I want you to oblige me with a few sheets of note 
paper, a bottle of ink, and a writin' pen. 

DRISCOLL 

And what do you want them for? 

DEVLIN 

To write a letter of introduction for this poor man 
here. He's lookin' for work, and I want to help him 
to get it. 

DRISCOLL 

Then I'll give them to you with pleasure. 

ZExit, 

DEVLIN 

You needn't worry any more. I'll get a job for you. 
Micky and myself are old friends. He buried my 
father and mother and all belongin' to me. And 
although I do say it myself, there isn't a better under- 
taker from here to Dublin. He's as good a judge of a 



84 MAGNANIMITY 

dead man as any one you ever met, and could measure 
the size of a coffin without using the tape at all. 
[Enter Driscoll. 
DRiscoLL {as he 'places writing materials on the table) 
Here's the writing material, and may good luck attend 
you. 

DEVLIN 

Thank you, very much. {To Falvey) Now to busi- 
ness. 

ZThey both sit at the table, and Devlin commences to 
write. 

Deadwoman's Hill, 

Goulnaspurra. 
Dear Mr. Cassily: 

I have the hon — how's that you spell honour? — 
h-o-n-n-o-u-r, of course. Yes, that's right. I have the 
honour, and likewise the {pauses) unprecedented — 
that's not an easy word to spell — u-n-p-r-ee-s-c-ee-d- 
e-n-t-e-d — that wasn't such a hard word after all, 
and it looks fine in print {repeats) unprecedented and 
the great pleasure — that spells p-1-e-a-s-u-r — of in- 
troducing, that's a stumbler of a word, — i-n-t-r-d — 
{to Falvey) Can you spell the rest of it? 

FALVEY 

i-n-t-e-r-w-e-i-n — 

DEVLIN 

No. That's not right. We had better call Bill 
Driscoll. Are you there. Bill? 
[Enter Driscoll. 

DRISCOLL 

What's the matter? 

DEVLIN 

We want you to spell "introducing." 



MAGNANIMITY 85 



DRiscoLL {wiping a pint measure) 

With pleasure. (Confidently) i-n-t-u-r-d-e-w-c-i-n-g. 

DEVLIN 

Are you sure that is right? 

DRISCOLL 

Of course I am. What do you think I went to school 
for.? 

DEVLIN 

Very well, I'll take your word for it. But stay here 
awhile, because we may want your assistance soon 
again. This is an important matter, and we must 
give all our attention to it. I have the honor and 
likewise the unprecedented and the great pleasure of 
introducing to you a cousin of my own on my mother's 
side, one Barney Falvey. He is a man of many and 
n-e-w-m-e-r-o-w-s. (To Driscoll) Isn't that right? 

DRISCOLL 

That's all right. Proceed. 

DEVLIN 

— numerous a-c-o-m-p-l-i-s-h-m-e-n-t-s. That sounds 
wrong, doesn't it? 

DRISCOLL 

It sounds wrong, but let it go. No one will ever notice 
the mistake, when we can't find it out ourselves. 

DEVLIN 

He has an i-n-g-a-n-o-s turn of mind, and can do all 
kinds of hard or easy work. He can p-l-o-w a field, 
milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly every 
thing from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box, 
to a coffin. He is w-i-1-i-n, o-b-l*i-g-i-n, and can put 
up with all kinds of abuse. He can look i-n-o-s-c-e-n-t 
or guilty, as the occasion may require and will, I'm 
sure, and certain, taking his accomplishments all 



86 MAGNANIMITY 



round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for 
to fill the v-a-k-a-n-c-y in your highly respected 
e-s-t-a-b-1-i-shment. Anythin' you can do for him 
will be considered a personal f-a-v-o-u-r by your old 
and e-s-t-e-a-m-ed friend, 

Garret Devlin. 
^He reads it over again aloud. 

"Deadwoman's Hill, 

Goulnaspurra. 
"Dear Mr. Cassily: 

*'I have the honour and likewise the unprecedented 
and great pleasure of introducin' to you a cousin of 
my own on my mother's side, one Barney Falvey. He 
is a man of many parts and numerous accomplish- 
ments. He has an ingenious turn of mind and can do 
all kinds of hard and easy work. He can plow a field, 
milk a cow, mind childer, and make nearly everythin' 
from a bird cage, a mousetrap, or a snuff box, to 
a coffin. He is willin* and obligin* and can put up 
with all kinds of abuse. He can look innocent or 
guilty as the occasion may require, and will, I am 
certain and confident, taking his accomplishments all 
round, prove to be the very man you are lookin' for 
to fill the vacancy in your highly respected establish- 
ment. Anythin' that you can do for him will be con- 
sidered a personal favour by your old and esteemed 
friend, 

"Garret Devlin." 

That's a great letter. Be God, sure 'twould nearly 
get the job for myself. But it would never do for one 
of my social standin' to take such a position in this 
town. 



MAGNANIMITY 87 



FALVET 

'Tis a great thing to be able to put so many words 
together on paper. And 'tis the wonderful gift to 
have surely. A man that could write like you should 
be a secretary to the Lord Lieutenant himself, or 
writin' sermons for the Pope of Rome. 

DEVLIN 

Now, no more old palaver, talk is cheap, but it takes 
money to buy whiskey. Look as smart as you can 
(hands letter) ^ and deliver this letter before it's too 
late. There's nothin' like doin' things with despatch 
when you're in a hurry. Wait, your face is none too 
clean. Where's your handkerchief? (Hands him an 
old dirty handkerchief. He drains the dregs of a pewter 
pint on the handkerchief, and wipes his face with it. 
Then he looks at Falvey's boots) Glory be to God! 
but you're a very careless man! When did you clean 
these boots last? 

FALVEY 

Wisha, who could keep boots clean upon the dirty 

roads. 

\[Takes off his old hat and wipes his boots with it. 

DEVLIN 

That's better. Now take off that old tie, and I'll 
give you mine. But you must return it to me when 
you get the job. It belonged to my grandfather, and 
it always brought luck to the family. 
\_They exchange ties, and Devlin* s toilet is completed by 
brushing the legs of his old trousers with a sweeping 
brush. 
DEVLIN (looking at him approvingly) 

If you always kept yourself as respectable lookin' as 
that, you would never want for work, I'm thinkin'. 



88 MAGNANIMITY 



FALVEY (looking at himself in an old mirror) 

There's somethin' in what you say. Sure my mother 
always told me I was the best lookin' in the family. 

DEVLIN 

That may be, but your beauty isn't of the fatal kind. 
(Shaking hands with him) Good luck now, and I'll 
wait here until you'll return. 

FALVEY 

God bless you, God bless you, I'll be back as soon 
as I can. 

l^Exit. 
DEVLIN (knocks and orders another half of whiskey) 
Another half one. That letter took a lot out of me. 

DRISCOLL 

Literature, they say, is always a great strain on a 
man's vitality. I was offered a job as proof reader on 
a newspaper one time, but my friends advised me not 
to take it. 

DEVLIN 

Your friends were wise. Stayin' up at night is bad 
for any man. 'Tis hard enough to be up in the mornin' 
without bein' up at night as well. 
DRISCOLL (places drink on table) 
That's true. 

[^Exit. A man of about forty-five enters^ with a pint of 
porter in his hand. He sits near Devlin. 

BARRY NAGLE 

Good mornin', stranger. 

DEVLIN 

Good mornin'. 

NAGLE 

'Tis a fine day for this time of year. 



MAGNANIMITY 89 

DEVLIN 

This would be a fine day for any part of the year. 

NAGLE 

Fine weather is the least of the good things that the 
poor is entitled to. 

DEVLIN 

The poor have their wants, of course, but the rich, 
bad luck and misfortune to them one and all, have 
their troubles also, because they don't know what 
they want, the discontented, lazy, good-for-nothin' 
varmints. May they all perish be their own folly 
before the world or their money comes to an end. 

NAGLE 

'Tis only the poor who knows how bad the rich are. 
And only the rich that can be hard on the poor. Have 
you a match, if you please? 

DEVLIN {handing a box) 
You'll find plenty in that. 

NAGLE 

All the comfort some of us have in this world is a 
smoke, that's when we have the tobacco, of course. 

DEVLIN 

There'll be smokin' enough in the next world, they 
say, but that's cold comfort to a man without the 
fiUin's of a pipe or a match to light it. 

NAGLE 

'Tis a great misfortune to be born at all. 

DEVLIN 

That's what I've often been thinkin'. And many's 
the time I've cursed the day that my father met my 
mother. (Sadly) 'Twould be better for us all in spite 
of what the clergy say that we were all Protestants, 



90 MAGNANIMITY 

or else died before we came to the use of reason. 
But things might be worse. 

NAGLE 

Trouble comes to us all, and 'tis a consolation to 
know that the King must die as well as the beggar. 
Think of me, and I after losin' my return ticket to 
Carlow, and I must be there to-night even if I have 
to walk every step of the way. 

DEVLIN 

And haven't you the price of your ticket? 

NAGLE 

The devil a penny at all have I, and unless I can sell 
my watch to buy my ticket with, I'll lose my job, and 
then my wife and family must go to the workhouse. 

DEVLIN 

God himself seems to be no friend of the poor. That 
was a terrible calamity to befall a stranger. How 
much will your ticket cost? 

NAGLE 

Ten shillin's, and I'm willin' to part with my watch 
for that triflin' sum, though 'twas my poor father's, 
rest his soul. {Holds ivatch in his hand) Look at it, 
'tis as fine a timepiece as eyes ever rested on. A solid 
silver watch, and a chain of solid gold, and all for ten 
shillin's. And history enough attached to it to write 
a book. 

DEVLIN 

'Tis a bargain surely. 

NAGLE 

A man wearin' a watch and chain like that would get 
credit anywhere he'd be known, though 'twould be 
no use to a stranger. 



MAGNANIMITY 91 

DEVLIN 

Leave me see how 'twould look on me. {The stranger 
hands him the watch, and Devlin adjusts it to his vest 
fronts walks up and down the room, and looks in the 
glass) Bedad, but you're right. It does make a man 
feel good, and maybe better than he is. 

NAGLE 

A man walkin' into a friend's house with ornamenta- 
tion on him like that would get the lend of any thin'. 
DEVLIN (confidently) 
I believe he would. 

NAGLE 

Indeed you may say so. 

DEVLIN 

And you'll sell it for ten shillin's. 

NAGLE 

Yes, if you'll be quick about it, because I must catch 
the train and get home as soon as I can. 

DEVLIN 

Does it keep good time? 

NAGLE 

'Tis the best timekeeper that ever was. 
DEVLIN {places watch to his ear) 

It has a good strong tick, anyway. I'll give you the 

ten shilhn's for it. Here you are. 
NAGLE {takes the money) 

Thank you kindly, though it nearly breaks my heart 

to part with it. 

DEVLIN 

Life is made up of comin' and goin', and what We lose 
to-day we may gain to-morrow, and lose again the 
next day. 



92 MAGNANIMITY 

NAGLE 

One man's loss is another man's profit, and that's how 
the world keeps movin'. 

DEVLIN 

True. And there's no use in being alive unless we 
can help each other. Sure 'tis for each other, and 
not by each other, that we should live. 

NAGLE 

'Pon my word, but to know how to live is the greatest 
problem of all. 

DEVLIN 

That's so. Sometimes 'tis foolish to be wise and other 
times 'tis wise to be foolish, but the sensible man will 
always look out for himself and let his friends look 
after his enemies. 

NAGLE 

Every word you say is true, but I must be goin' or I'll 
lose the train. So I'll bid you good-by and good luck. 

DEVLIN 

Good day and good luck to you also. (Exit Nagle) 
The stranger was right. A man with a watch and 
chain like this, and able to tell every one the time of 
day, could get as much on his word as he'd want. 
[^Buttons his coat and takes up the newspaper, sits in 
the chair and commences to read. He is soon disturbed 
by the entrance of Bernard Falvey, Michael Cassily, 
two policemen, and several of the townspeople. 
FIRST POLICEMAN (pointing to Devlin) 

Is this the man who gave you the letter of introduction? 

FALVEY 

That's the man who has brought all this trouble on 
me, but I'm as innocent as the babe unborn of the 
charge of burglary. 



MAGNANIMITY 93 



FIRST POLICEMAN 

Hold your tongue, I say. What greater proof could 
we have than the torn coat which you're wearin'? 

FALVEY 

I tell you that I got this coat from a stranger I met 
in this house, this mornin'. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

And sure you're the one who can look innocent, be- 
lieve me. But this won't be much good to you when 
you go before the magistrates. Now we'll deal with 
your partner. {Places his hand on Devlin's shoulder) 
I must arrest you on suspicion for being an accomplice 
of this strange man here who broke into Mr. Michael 
Cassily's establishment last night, and stole five pound 
notes, two silver candlesticks and a silver watch and 
golden chain. 

DEVLIN 

Is it madness that has come upon the crowd of you? 
Me that never stole anythin' in my life, to be accused 
of robbin' from a dacent man like Michael Cassily! 

SECOND POLICEMAN 

Search him, constable. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

Of course, I will. (He opens his coat, finds the watch 
and chain, takes it o;ff, hands it to Michael Cassily) 
Is that yours? 

CASSILY 

Yes, constable, that's the watch and chain that was 
stolen from my house this mornin'. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

What have you to say for yourself now? 



94 MAGNANIMITY 

DEVLIN 

Nothin', only that I paid ten shillings to a stranger 
less than half an hour ago. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

And where did you get the ten shillin*s, you that 
haven't had ten shillings of your own altogether for 
ten years, but always borrowin' money and tellin' the 
people that you are goin' to inherit a fortime from 
America? 

DEVLIN 

'Tis the truth I'm tellin' you. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

Nonsense, nonsense. What greater proof could we 
have of your guilt? This man here who you gave the 
letter of introduction is a stranger to the town and 
the piece of cloth that Mr. Cassily found hangin' on 
a nail in his back porch after the burglary was com- 
mitted, is the piece of cloth that is missin' from this 
man's coat. (Fits the piece of cloth) And we have 
found the identical watch and chain on your own 
person. 

SECOND POLICEMAN 

'Twas a clever scheme of the pair of them and no 
doubt about it. 

CASSILY 

I never thought that any one could add insult to 
injury in such a manner. I was always a friend to 
you, Garret Devlin, and you tried to get this man 
who had already robbed me, a position in my estab- 
lishment so that he could rob me all the more. 

FALVEY 

As sure as my great-grandfather is dead and gone, I 



MAGNANIMITY 95 



tell you that I got this coat from a stranger in this 
very house. 

DEVLIN 

And as sure as the devil has paid a visit this blessed 
day to Castlemorgan, I tell you I bought that watch 
and chain from a stranger also. William Driscoll 
will prove that there were two such men in his 
house. 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

If William Driscoll says a word in your defence, he'll 
be arrested on suspicion also. (To the publican) What 
have you to say? 

DRISCOLL 

Not a word, constable, not a word. I know nothin* 
at all about the matter except readin' the account of 
the dreadful affair in the mornin' paper. 
^First policeman places the handcuffs on both, and 
walks them towards the door. 

DEVLIN 

What's goin' to happen to us at all, at all? 

FIRST POLICEMAN 

The judge will tell you that at the next assizes. 

CURTAIN 



MATCHMAKERS 

A Comedy in One Act 



CHARACTERS 

DoNAL Corcoran A farmer 

Mary Ellen Corcoran .... Wife of Donal Corcoran 
Kitty Corcoran Daughter of Ellen and Do- 
nal Corcoran 

Denis Delahunty A farmer 

An AST ATI A Dealhunty Wife of Denis Delahunty 

Constable Dunlea .A member of the R. I. C, 



MATCHMAKERS 

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 

Place: An island off the West coast of Ireland. 

Scene: Interior of Donal Corcoran's house. Donal and 
his wife seated in two comfortable armchairs by the parlour 
fire. The parlour is well furnished, and Kitty is busy dust- 
ing, as visitors are expected. Donal is a man of about 
fifty-six years, and his wife is a little younger. Donal is 
reading a copy of the Galway Examiner, and his wife is 
knitting a stocking. 

DONAL {as he stretches the paper in front of him. With a 

look of surprise) 

Glory be to God! 
MRS. CORCORAN {who docs uot notice his attitude or ex- 
pression) 

Amen! 
DONAL (holds the paper with one hand, and brushes the 

hair from his forehead with the other) 

Is it the way that I'm dreamin', or losin' my senses? 

Or is it the way I have no senses to lose? 
MRS. CORCORAN (looking up from her knitting) 

Wisha, what's the matter, at all? Did any one die and 

leave you a fortune? 

DONAL 

Who the devil would die and leave me anything? 
when I have no one belongin' to me but poor relations. 
Bad luck to them, and they only waitin' for myself 
to die, so that they could have what I worked and 



102 MATCHMAKERS 

slaved for all those long and weary years. But 'tisn't 
much there will be for any one after Kitty gets her 
dowry. What's left will be little enough for ourselves, 
I'm thinkin'. 

IVmS. CORCORAN 

But what have you seen in the newspaper? 

DONAL (reads) 

Baronetcy for the chairman of the Innismore Board 
of Guardians. His Majesty the King has been 
pleased to confer a Royal favour on the worthy and 
exemplary Denis Delahunty, who in future will be 
known as Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., in recognition 
of his services to the people of Innismore. It was 
with a f eelin' of pride and admiration that — 

MRS. CORCORAN (as she drops the stocking on the floor, 
lifts the spectacles from her nose, and places them on 
her brow) 

The Lord protect and save us all! Is it the truth, 
I wonder? 

DONAL {handing paper) 
See for yourself, woman. 

MRS. CORCORAN (grabs the paper and scans it with interest) 
Sure enough, there it is, then, with five lines of large 
black letters and two columns of small letters besides, 
and his photograph as well. (To Kitty) Look Kitty, 
darlin', look. There 'tis all. Sit down and read it 
aloud for us. 'Twill sound better that way. 

KITTY (takes the paper and smiles. Falls on a chair nearly 
overcome with laughter. The parents look on in amaze- 
ment) 
Sir Denis Delahunty! (Laughs heartily) 

DONAL 

What are you laughin' at.'^ You impudent hussy! 



MATCHMAKERS 103 

KITTY (still laughing) 

Sir Denis Delahunty, Bart., my dear! 

DONAL 

Yes, yes. Sir Denis Delahunty. And what about it? 

KITTY 

Dinny Delahunty, the old caubogue, a baronet, and 
no less! (Laughs) 

DONAL 

I'll have no more of this laughin', I say. What at all, 
are you amused at, I'd like to know.f^ 

KITTY 

Oh, father, sure 'tis a blessing that some one has a 
sense of humour, like myself and the King. And 
'twas the great laugh he must have had to himself, 
when he made a baronet of Dinny Delahunty. Not 
to mention all the other shoneens and huxters, from 
here to Ban try. 

DONAL 

How dare you speak to me like that, miss, when 'tis 
yourself that will be Lady Delahunty one of these 
fine days. Dinny, I mean. Sir Denis himself, is 
comin' here to-night to make a match with his son, 
Finbarr. 

KITTY 

Wisha, indeed, now! And who told you I am going 
to wed Finbarr Delahunty? And he a more miserable 
shoneen than his old crawthumping humbug of a 
father. 

DONAL 

If you'll speak as disrespectfully as that again about 
any of my friends you'll be sorry for it. 'Tis I'm 
tellin' you that you are to wed Finbarr Delahunty and 
that's information enough for you, my damsel. 



104 MATCHMAKERS 

KITTY 

111 spare you the trouble of picking a man for me, 
father. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Don't be disobedient, Kitty. You must remember 
that I never laid eyes on your father until the mornin* 
I met him at the altar rails. 

KITTY 

You should be ashamed to acknowledge the like, 
mother. 

DONAL. 

Ashamed of me, is it? The father that rared and 
schooled you! 

KITTY 

I have said nothing at all to offend you, father. But 
I have already told you that I am going to pick a 
husband for myself. 

DONAL 

You are goin' to pick a husband for yourself! Are 
you, indeed? Ah, sure 'tis the stubbornness of your 
mother's people that's in you. 
MRS. CORCORAN (as she keeps knitting) 
And her father's, too. 

DONAL 

What's that you're saying, woman? 

MRS. CORCORAN 

I said that 'twas from your side of the family that 
she brought the stubbornness. 

DONAL 

How dare you say that, and in my presence, too? 
The devil blast the one belongin' to me was ever 
stubborn. She's her mother's daughter, I'm tellin' 
you. 



MATCHMAKERS 105 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Whatever is gentle in her comes from me, and what's 
stubborn and contrary comes from you and yours. 
DONAL {in a rage) 

God be praised and glorified! What's gentle in her, 
will you tell me? She that pleases herself in every thin*. 
(To Kitty) I'll knock the stubbornness out of you, 
my young lady, before we will have another full moon. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Indeed and you won't, then, nor in ten full moons, 
either. 
DONAL {as he walks up and down the kitchen) 

Woman! woman! woman! You are all alike! Every 
damn one of you, from the Queen to the cockle picker. 

KITTY 

You have no right to marry me to any one against 
my will. 

DONAL 

And is it the way I'd be leavin' you marry some good- 
for-nothing idle jackeen, who couldn't buy a ha'porth 
of bird seed for a linnet or a finch, let alone to 
keep a wife? That's what a contrary, headstrong, 
uncontrollable whipster like you would do, if you had 
your own way. But, be God, you will have little of 
your own way while I am here and above ground. 

KITTY 

If stubbornness was a virtue, you'd be a saint, father, 
and they'd have your picture in all the stained glass 
windows in every church in the country, like St. 
Patrick or St. Columkille, himself. 
MRS. CORCORAN {laughs at Kitty's answer) 

Well, well, well, to be sure! You are your father's 
daughter, Kitty. 



106 MATCHMAKERS 

DONAL 

She's the devil's daughter, I'm thinkin'. 
[_A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens it 
and Denis Delahunty enters. He is dressed in a new 
frock coat and top hat. 

MRS. CORCORAN AND DONAL {as he enters) 

Welcome, Sir Denis, welcome. {They both shake hands 
with him) Our heartiest congratulations, and warm- 
est respects. 

DONAL {pointing to his own chair) 

Take my own chair, the best in the house, that I 
wouldn't offer to the Bishop or the Lord Lieutenant 
himself, if either of them called to see me. 
{^Sir Denis sits down, but forgets to remove his hat, 
which is much too small, and tilted to one side. When 
Kitty sees the strange figure he cuts, she laughs outright, 
at which her father gets very angry. 

DONAL {to Kitty) 

What are you laughin' at? You brazen creature! 

KITTY (laughing) 

Sir Denis has on some one else's tall hat. 

SIR DENIS {looks very bored, removes the hat and says 
rather sadly) 

You are mistaken, my child. Badly mistaken! 'Tis 
my own hat. 'Twas the only one in the town that I 
could get that came near fittin* me, and herself, I mean 
Lady Delahunty, wouldn't leave me out without it. 

KITTY 

I hope that you feel more comfortable than you 
look, Sir Denis. 

SIR DENIS 

To tell the truth, Kitty, I don't know whether 'tis on 
my head or my heels I'm standin'. The devil a one of 



MATCHMAKERS 107 

me was ever aware that His Majesty the King knew 
or thought so much about me. If I was only made a 
mere knight inself, it wouldn't be so bad; but think 
of bein' made a whole baronet all of a sudden like 
that, and not knowin' a bit about it beforehand. 

DONAL 

You are the lucky man, Sir Denis, but don't know it. 

SIR DENIS 

I suppose I am, Donal. At one stroke of his sword, 
so to speak, the King of, well, we might say of half 
the whole world, put an unbridgeable gulf between 
herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, and myself, and 
the common people forever and forever! 
KITTY (laughing) 

May the Lord forgive him. 

DONAL 

I suppose you must present yourself at Court and 
have tea with the Queen herself? 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Sure, of course, he must be presented at Court, and 
the Queen with a crown of glitterin' jewels on her 
head will bow to him, the same as if he was the Rajah 
of Ballyslattery, himself, and he with his ten thousand 
wives and numerous attendants. And for all we know, 
maybe 'tis the way he'll be invitin' the whole Royal 
Family to spend the summer with himself and Lady 
Delahunty at Innismore. 

SIR DENIS 

'Tis the great responsibility that has been thrust upon 
herself, I mean Lady Delahunty, and myself surely. 
But we have made no plans, so far, for the entertain- 
ment of Royalty, and their conspicuous aide-de- 
camps. 



108 MATCHMAKERS 

KITTY 

Aides-de-camp, you mean, I suppose. Sir Denis. 

DONAL 

How dare you correct Sir Denis? 

SIR DENIS 

However, I suppose in time we will get accustomed to 
our new surroundin's and environment. The Prince 
of Wales, they say, is hard to please, but I have no 
doubt that he will be glad to meet Lady Delahunty 
and myself. 

DONAL 

I have no doubt whatever but he will be delighted to 
meet Lady Delahunty and yourself. But, of course, 
every man's trouble appears greater to himself, than 
to his neighbours. And as we all think more about 
ourselves than any one else, and as you have now par- 
tially recovered from the unexpected stroke of royal 
generosity, we might as well get down to business and 
fix up that match with Kitty and your son Finbarr. 

SIR DENIS 

With reference to the royal favour, Donal, I might as 
well be candid and say, that it wasn't altogether un- 
expected, because I knew somethin' was going to 
happen. I felt it in my bones. 

KITTY 

Nonsense, Sir Denis; it must have been the rheumatics 
you felt. 

DONAL 

That's all well and good, but what about the match.? 

KITTY 

Spare yourself the trouble of trying to make a match 
for me. 



MATCHMAKERS 109 

DONAL 

If you don't hold your tongue, I'll be put to the bother 
of lockin' you up in your own room, and feedin' you 
on promises until your spirit is broken. That's the 
only way to treat a contrary, impudent creature like 
you. 

SIR DENIS 

Let there be no crossness on my account, Donal. 

DONAL 

Well, I have carefully considered what we were dis- 
cussin' last week, and I have decided to give three 
hundred pounds, twenty acres of rich loamy soil, 
without a rock, a furze bush, or a cobble stone in it, 
five milch cows, six sheep, three clockin' hens and a 
clutch of ducklin's. Provided, of course, that you 
will give the same. That much should be enough to 
give my daughter and your son a start in life. And 
I may tell you that's much more than herself and 
myself started out with. Well, Sir Denis, is it a 
bargain or is it not? 

SIR DENIS 

No two people could get a better start, Donal. But it 
isn't in my power to come to any settlement until her- 
self, I mean Lady Delahunty, arrives. She is up at the 
dressmaker's, and should be here in a minute or two. 
{[Knock at the door. Kitty opens and Lady Delahunty 
enters. She is dressed in a new sealskin coat, black 
dress, and white petticoat and a badly fitting bonnet. 
Mrs. Corcoran is greatly impressed with her appearance 
and offers her a chair. 

MRS. CORCORAN AND DONAL 

Congratulations, Lady Delahunty, congratulations. 
Be seated, be seated. 



110 MATCHMAKERS 

\iMrs. Corcoran draws her chair near Lady Delahunty 
and while Donal and Sir Denis are talking, in an 
undertone, Mrs. Corcoran speaks. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

That's a beautiful new coat, Lady Delahunty, 

LADY DELAHUNTY (prOudly) 

Fifty-five guineas. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

'Tis worth more. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

So Sir Denis says. 
MRS. CORCORAN (stoops and feels the edge of the lace petti- 
coat, which is well exposed) 

That's the nicest piece of lace I have seen for many 
a long day. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Two pounds ten, and a bargain at that. And three 
pounds five for my bonnet makes sixty pounds, fifteen 
shillin's. Not to mention what I had to pay for 
Dinny's, I mean Sir Denis's new suit and tall hat. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

You could build a house or buy two fine horses for 
that much. 

LADY DELAHUNTY I 

Indeed, and you could then. 

DONAL 

Now ladies, we must get our business finished, and 
we can talk after. I am offerin' three hundred pounds, 
twenty acres of land, five cows, six sheep, three clock- 
in' hens, and a clutch of ducklin's, and want to know 
without any palaverin' or old gab, whether or not 
yourself and Sir Denis are prepared to do likewise. 



MATCHMAKERS 111 

KITTY 

One would think that I was a cow or a sheep, myself, 
going to be sold to the highest bidder. But, thank 
God, I'm neither one nor the other. I have a mind 
and a will of my own, and I may as well tell you all 
that I will only marry the man who I will choose for 
myself. 

DONAL 

Every one of the women in ten generations of your 
family, on both sides, said the same, but they all did 
what they were told in the end, and you will do it, 
too. You will marry the man that I will choose for 
you, or go to the convent or America. And believe 
^ me, 'tisn*t much of your own way you will get in either 
place. 

KITTY 

I will marry the man I want to marry and no one else. 

SIR DENIS 

Maybe 'tis the way she is only teasin' you. 

DONAL 

No, 'tis her mother's contrary spirit that's in her. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Not her mother's, but her father's, contrary spirit. 

DONAL 

Enough now, I say. I'm boss here yet, and I'm not 
goin' to let my daughter, whom I have rared, fed, 
clad and educated, and all that cost me many a pound 
of my hard earned money, have a privilege that the 
kings, queens, royal princesses and grand duchesses 
themselves haven't. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Wisha, don't be losin' your temper, Donal. 



112 MATCHMAKERS 

DONAL 

'Tis enough to make any one lose their temper. If 
that sort of thing was permitted, every dacent father 
and mother in the country would be supportin* some 
useless son-in-law, and his children, maybe. The man 
who marries my daughter must be able to support her 
as I have supported you. 

MRS. CORCORAN 

Erra, hold your tongue. I never ate a loaf of idle 
bread in my life, and always supported myself, and 
earned enough to support you as well. 

DONAL 

I'll have no more of this tyranny in my own house, I 
say. 

KITTY 

Well, well, for goodness sake! What is all this non- 
sense about? I have already told you that I will 
marry my own man and no one else. 

SIR DENIS 

Now, Donal, when we come to consider the matter, 
perhaps, after all is said and done, maybe Kitty is 
right. You know, of course, that we all like to have 
our own way. 

DONAL 

Do we, indeed? Maybe 'tis the way you are try in' to 
back out of your bargain. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

He isn't tryin' to back out of anythin', Donal. But 
as we were sayin' to-day when we heard that His 
Majesty, the King of Great Britain and Ireland, 
Australia, Canada, and India, as well. — (Looks at Sir 
Denis who is trying to light a clay pipe) Ahem ! ahem ! 
Sir Denis, Sir Denis. 



MATCHMAKERS 113 

SIR DENIS (bored) 
Alright, alright. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Didn't I tell you never to leave me see you with a clay 
pipe in your gob again? Where are the cigars I bought 
for you this morning? 
SIR DENIS {searches in his pocket and. pulls out a cigar) 
Wisha the devil a taste can I get from one of them. 
I might as well be tryin' to smoke a piece of furze 
bush. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Taste or no taste, put that pipe back in your pocket. 
What would the King and his daughters think if they 
saw you suckin' an old dudeen like that? 

KITTY 

'Tis little bother any of us are to the King or his 
daughters, either, I'm thinking. 

DONAL 

I'll put a padlock on that mouth of yours, if you don't 
hold your tongue. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Well, as I was say in', when His Majesty so graciously 
honoured Sir Dinny and myself, we held a long and 
lengthy consultation and came to the conclusion after 
a good deal of consideration, that it might be as well 
not to hurry Finbarr's marriage. We were thinkin' 
of sendin' him across to England to finish his educa- 
tion: so that he may be able to take his place with 
the foreign aristocracy. 

SIR DENIS 

Of course, we all know that there is no better hurler 
in the whole country, and no finer man ever cracked 



114 MATCHMAKERS 

a whip, and no better man ever stood behind a plough, 
or turned cows out of a meadow, but the devil a bit 
at all he knows about the higher accomplishments of 
the nobility. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Such as playin' cricket and polo, and drinkin' after- 
noon tea with a napkin on his knee, like one of the 
gentry themselves. And between ourselves, he cares 
no more about cigarettes than his father does about 
cigars. 

SIR DENIS 

Notwithstanding all that, 'tis my belief that after 
six months in England, he would be fit company for 
the best people in the land. 

DONAL 

What the blazes does he want learnin' to play polo 
for, when he must make his livin' as a farmer? 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Listen now, Donal, and be reasonable. When — 

DONAL 

Is it the way you want to break off the match .'^ The 
truth now, and nothin' else. 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

Of course, we don't want the match to be broken off. 
But now that Finbarr is heir to a title — well, we all 
know that Kitty is a very nice and good girl; but as 
Sir Denis says: "'Tis a pity that we should force 
people to marry against their will, and — " 

DONAL 

The long and short of it is that my daughter isn't 
good enough for your damn, flat-footed clodhopper of 
a son. Though 'twas Dinny himself that forced the 
match on me. 



MATCHMAKERS 115 

LADY DELAHUNTY (indignantly) 
Sir Denis, if you please. 

SIR DENIS 

Donal, Donal, be reasonable and agreeable, man. 
You should know that people are never the same after 
royal favours have been conferred on them. And 
though I am perfectly satisfied with myself and my 
social standin', such as it is, yet, as you know, we 
must look to the future of our children. 

DONAL 

Well, of all the old molly coddlin' bladderskites that 
ever I listened to, you beat them all. 

SIR DENIS 

Restrain yourself, Donal, and leave me finish. Well, 
I was about to say, when you interrupted, that when 
Finbarr has learnt how to behave like a real gentle- 
man, and can hold a cup of afternoon tea on his knee 
without spillin' it all over himself, then he may aspire 
to higher things, and want a wife who can play the 
violin as well as the piano, and speak all the languages 
in the world also. 

DONAL 

Wisha bad luck and misfortune to your blasted im- 
pudence, to cast a reflection on my daughter, and 
she that can play twenty-one tunes on the piano, all 
by herself and from the music too. And she can play 
the typewriter as well, and that's more than any one 
belongin' to you can do. 'Tis well you know there's 
no more music in the Delahunty family than there 
would be in an old cow or a mangy jackass that you'd 
find grazin' by the roadside. 



116 MATCHIVIAKERS 

KITTY 

Tell him all I know about Irish, French, and German 
too, father. 

DONAL 

The next thing I will tell him is to take himself and 
his bloody tall hat out of my house and never show 
his face here again. 

LADY DELAHTJNTY 

I'm surprised at you to speak like that to Sir Denis. 

DONAL 

Sir Denis be damned, ma*am. 

SIR DENIS {as he rises to go and requests Lady Delahunty 
to do likewise) 

Lady Delahunty, if you please. 

^A loud knocking is heard at the door. Kitty opens and 
Constable Dunlea enters. As he stands by the door, he 
takes a letter from his pocket. 

CONSTABLE {to Sir Denis) 

This is a message for you, sir, from the editor of the 
Examiner. The postman couldn't find you at home 
and asked me to deliver it, as he knew I was coming 
here to-night. 

l^Sir Denis excitedly opens the letter and Lady Dela- 
hunty looks on with apparent satisfaction, as she thinks 
it is a personal letter of congratulation for Sir Denis. 
Sir Denis borrows Mrs. Corcoran' s spectacles and reads 
the letter hurriedly and looks very crestfallen. 

LADY DELAHUNTY {with a look of surprisc) 
What's the matter, Sir Denis? 

SIR DENIS 

What isn't the matter would be a better question. 
'Twas a mistake, Anastatia, a sad and sorry mistake! 



MATCHMAKERS 117 

LADY DELAHUNTY 

What's a mistake? 

SIR DENIS 

Ourselves! I mean we weren't knighted at all. The 
editor of the Examiner sends his personal regrets and 
apology for printin' an unofficial telegram that was 
sent by some malicious person about myself being 
created a baronet. 

LADY DELAHUNTY (grabs the letter and spectacles. Ad- 
justs the spectacles on her nose and reads. Swoons and 
falls into Sir Denis's arms) 
The saints protect us all ! 'Tis the truth, surely ! 

MRS. CORCORAN (gets a glass of water and gives it to 
Lady Delahunty) 

Here, now, take this, and you will be soon all right 
again. 

LADY DELAHUNTY {as shc recovcrs, turns to Kitty) 

I suppose 'twas at your instigation that all this hap- 
pened. You impudent, prevaricatin', philanderin' 
galavanter. Now we will be the laughin' stock of 
the whole country. If Sir Denis — 

DONAL 

Plain Denis, if you please, ma'am. 
LADY DELAHUNTY (to her husband) 

If you had only the good sense of refusin' the title 
itself, but — 

SIR DENIS 

We'll never be able to live down the shame and dis- 
grace of it. Lady Delahunty. 

DONAL 

Plain Statia Delahunty, if you please, 

LADY DELAHUNTY (tO Kitty) 

If you were worth the weight of yourself in gold and 



118 MATCHMAKERS 

could sing like a lark, I wouldn't give Finbarr to you 
now. 

KITTY 

I never asked for him, ma'am. I told you all that I 
would marry only my own man, and here he is. 
{Calls Constable Dunlea to her side and takes his arm) 
We are to be married next month, and then what 
need I care about titles or the aristocracy when I will 
have himself to support and protect me while he lives, 
and his pension if he should die, and the law of the 
land at my back all the time. 

CURTAIN 



RETRIBUTION 

A Comedy in One Act 



CHARACTERS 

Patcha Cremin (nicknamed Napoleon) . . . A carpenter 
Nedsers Brophy (nicknamed Boulanger) . A mason 
Dannux Touhy (nicknamed The Duke of 

Wellington) A mason 

Mrs. Fennessey A lodging- 

> house keeper 



RETRIBUTION 

A COMEDY IN ONE ACT 

Scene: Bedroom in a country lodging house. There is 
one narrow bed and two chairs in the room, and a picture 
of Robert Emmet hangs on the wall. Patcha Cremin is 
lying in bed with his head covered. A loud knocking is 
heard at the door. 

PATCHA {startled, uncovers his head and looks about him. 

The knocking continues) 

Who's there? (Thinking for a moment that he is at 

home and that his wife is calling) Oh, is that you, 

EUie? 
MRS. FENNESSEY (from without) 

It is not EUie, then. 
PATCHA (not yet properly awake) 

And who is it? 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

'Tis me. 

PATCHA (angrily) 

And who the blazes are you? 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Mrs. Fennessey, your landlady. 

PATCHA 

Oh, yes! Of course, Mrs. Fennessey, excuse me, 
ma'am. I thought I was at home and that my wife 
was callin' me to get up to go to work. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Are you in bed yet? 



124 RETRIBUTION 



PATCHA 

I am, ma'am. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

When are you going to get up? 

PATCHA 

Why? 

IVms. FENNESSEY 

I want to say a few words to you. 

PATCHA 

I'm not feelin' too well, at all, to-day, and don't 
know when I'll be able to get up, ma'am. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Don't you, indeed? 

PATCHA 

No, I don't, ma'am. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Well then, if you're in bed and covered up, may I 

come in? 
PATCHA (draws the clothes about him) 

You can, ma'am. 
MRS. FENNESSEY (enters, stands in front of the bed and 

looks at Patcha) 

And might I ask what's the matter with you? 

PATCHA 

Oh, I don't exactly know, at all. I have a queer 
shaky feelin' runnin' down the spine and all over 
me. It must be the 'fluenza or maybe appendicitis, 
I'm thinkin'. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Well, if that's the case, you'll get up this very instant 
and clear out of my house, for I don't want a sick 
man on my hands. And you that didn't pay me a 
farthin' of rent for this last six weeks. 



RETRIBUTION 125 



PATCHA 

Didn't I promise to pay you a week over and above 
when I'd get a job? And this is the gratitute you're 
showin' me now for my kindness. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

What a lot of good your promises would do for any 
one. I want my rent, and you can keep your promises. 

PATCHA 

Is it the way you'd be after turnin' a sick man from 
your door a cold freezin' day like this? And the snow 
thirty inches thick on the Galtee Mountains, and the 
air itself nearly frozen hard. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

'Tis you're the nice sick man, indeed, with muscles 
on you like a statue or a prize fighter, and an appe- 
tite like an elephant. God knows then, you should 
be ashamed of yourself for nearly eating me out of 
house and home, and I a poor widow dependin' on 
the likes of you for a livin.' 'Tis I that wouldn't like 
to be the mother of a man such as yourself, God 
forgive you! 

PATCHA 

I'm surprised at a dacent woman like you, Mrs. Fen- 
nessey, to stand there abusin' me for my misfortune 
instead of bringin' me up a good warm breakfast to 
nourish my wastin' frame, and encourage the good 
spirits to come back to my heart. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

I'm sick and tired of listenin' to you and your excuses, 
but I'm not goin' to listen to them any longer. So 
pack up and get out, or if you don't I'll get my brother 
Mike to fling you out, and beUeve me he won't take 
long to do it, either. 



126 RETRIBUTION 



PATCHA 

You're losin' all your dacency, Mrs. Fennessey. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Thank God for it, if I am then! But I'm gettin' back 
my good sense, and I won't talk or argue any more 
with you. 

PATCHA 

You should feel ashamed of yourself, Mrs. Fennessey. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Indeed then, I should, for puttin' up with the likes of 
you. You've got to be out of this house before twelve 
o'clock to-morrow and remember I mean what I say. 
^She walks out and slams the door. Patcha sits up in 
bedy rearranges the bedclothes, then places his hand under 
his chin, and wrinkles his brow. Remains that way 
until he is disturbed by a knock at the door 
MRS. FENNESSEY (opcus, and holds the door ajar) 
There's a gentleman wants to see you. 

PATCHA 

Who is he? What is he like, and where does he come 
from? 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

How do I know where he comes from? He wanted to 
know if Napoleon lived here and I told him there was 
no one livin' here at present but one Patcha Cremin. 
Sure, that's who I mean, says he. Are you Napoleon? 

PATCHA 

Yes, I'm Napoleon. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Glory be to the Lord! What a purty name they got 
for you! 

PATCHA 

Did he say who he was? 



RETRIBUTION 127 



MRS. FENNESSEY 

He said he was an old friend of yours. 

PATCHA 

I wonder can it be the Duke of WeUington? Dannux 
Touhy, I mean. 

MRS. FENNESSEY 

Touhy! Touhy! That's the name. Will I send him 
up? 

PATCHA 

Do if you please, ma'am. 

[_Mrs. Fennessey leaves the room, and in a short time 
Dannux Touhy enters. 
DANNUX {as he shakes hands with Patcha) 

Well, well ! 'Tis real glad that I am to see you. Sure 
I didn't expect to find my old friend Napoleon in the 
town of Ballinflask this blessed day. And I've heard 
that Boulanger is here also. Is that so? 

PATCHA 

It is so, then. And he'll be as surprised as myself to 
find the Duke of Wellington here before him when he 
arrives. 

DANNUX 

What makes you be in bed at this hour of the day? Is 
it the way that you're sick? 

PATCHA 

Not in the body, thank God, but in the mind and 
heart. 

DANNUX 

And why don't you get up and dress yourself, and 
go for a good long country walk? 

PATCHA 

I can't. 



128 RETRIBUTION 



DANNTJX 

Why? 

PATCHA 

Sit down and I'll teU you. (Dannux sits on a chair) 
Last night as I was goin' to sleep, a knock came to the 
door, and when I said: "Who's there?" a voice 
answered back and said: "Boulanger." "Come in," 
says I. And lo and behold, who should walk in the 
door but Nedsers Brophy, himself. And of course, 
he had the usual poor mouth. He couldn't get a job 
in the town because he is such a poor mechanic no one 
would be bothered with him. 

DANNTJX 

I'm not surprised at it. Sure he was never more than 
a botch at his best. 

PATCHA 

Well, he said, he hadn't a penny in his pocket, or the 
price of a night's lodgin'; so I invited him to sleep 
with me in this bit of a bed. And of course, he ac- 
cepted. The same man never refused anythin' he 
could get for nothin' in his hfe. 

DANNTJX 

I know him of old, the good-for-nothin' humbug. 

PATCHA 

The bed as you can see isn't very large, so when he 
turned in the middle of the night, I fell out on the 
floor, and when I turned he fell out. And there we 
were, falhn' in and fallin' out Hke two drunken sailors 
all night long. And when mornin' came, every bone 
in my body was as sore as a carbuncle. 

DANNTJX 

And sure 'tis myself that didn't close an eye or stretch 
my limbs upon a bed at all last night, or eat a bit for 



RETRIBUTION 129 



two long days, but kept walkin' the roads until I 
struck this town at daybreak. 

PATCHA 

God help us all! 

DANNUX 

And where's Boulanger now, might I ask? 

PATCHA 

He's gone out on a little message for me. He should 
be here any minute. 

DANNUX 

I suppose there's no use askin' you for that one pound 
two and sixpence that you borrowed from my brother. 
Lord Pebble, some time ago. I'm after gettin' a job 
from the parish priest to set a range in his kitchen, 
but I haven't either a trowel or a hammer, and unless 
I can raise the price of them, I'll lose the contract. 

PATCHA 

And when will you get paid? 

DANNUX 

The instant the job is finished. 

PATCHA 

How much will the tools cost? 

DANNUX 

Three shillin's, at least. 

PATCHA 

I don't know if I could spare that amount, but I 
might be able to give you a shillin' when Boulanger 
comes back. 

DANNUX 

Was it to the pawnshop you sent him? 

PATCHA 

'Twas indeed, then. And with the only suit of clothes 
I had too. We were both dead broke, and my land- 



130 RETRIBUTION 



lady stopped the grub yesterday mornin'. And I 
haven't broken my fast since. So here I am now with- 
out a bit in the world but the shirt on my back. 

DANNUX 

The birds of the air or the fish in the sea couldn't be 
worse off, themselves. Why didn't you make Bou- 
langer stay in bed and pawn his clothes instead of 
your own, you fool? 

PATCHA 

That would be the devil's own strange way to enter- 
tain your guest, wouldn't it? 

DANNUX 

That's the queerest story I ever heard. 

PATCHA 

Sure we must get a bit to eat somehow. 'Tis famished 
I am with the hunger, as it is. 
^Brophy staggers into the room slightly intoxicated. 
NEDSERS {putting out his hand to Dannux) 

Well, well, well! How's my old pal Wellington? 
Who'd ever think of finding you here! {As they shake 
hands) There are no friends like the old ones. The 
world is a small place after all. Twas in Cork we 
met the last time and in Fermoy before that. 

DANNUX 

'Pon my word but I believe you're right. 

PATCHA {excitedly, to Nedsers) 

Where's the food I sent you for? 

NEDSERS {staggers to the side of the bed and sits down) 
Wait and I'll tell you what happened to me. All I 
got on your old suit of clothes was five shillin's, and 
if you don't believe me look at the ticket. {Hands 
ticket) Well, I went into a pub to get a drop of grog, 
^nd asked for a half shot of the best, put the five bob 



RETRIBUTION 131 



on the counter, got my drink, put the change in my 
pocket, and lo and behold, when I went to look for it 
again, I couldn't find a trace of it high or low. Only 
for that I'd have brought you somethin' to eat. 
There's no use cry in' over spilt milk, is there, Dannux? 
Wellington, I should have said. Well, how are you, 
anyway? 'Tis a long time since we worked together. 
Isn't it.? 
PATCHA (catching him by the back of the neck) 

Glory be to the Lord! Is it the way you are takin' 
leave of your senses? There's my only suit of clothes 
in pawn, and the money you raised on them gone, and 
you here with your belly full of dirty drink, and I with 
my belly empty and my guts rattlin' in want of food. 
'Tis you that should feel ashamed of yourself to have 
me in such a condition and all on your account too. 

NEDSERS 

What should I feel ashamed about? Didn't I do my 
best? Blame the bla'gard who stole the money out 
of my pocket. What old talk you have. Didn't I 
disgrace myself by goin' into a pawnshop for you? 

PATCHA 

What am I to do at all! 

DANNUX 

'Tis a bad way to be in, surely. But I think I can 
see a way out of the difficulty. 

NEDSERS 

Good old Wellington! Good old Wellington! That's 
what your namesake said before he put the comether 
on Napoleon. What say, Patcha? 

PATCHA 

Don't be botherin' nae, I'm more than disgusted with 
j^ou. 



132 RETRIBUTION 



DANNUX 

Now, there must be no quarrelin'. We are all friends 
and we must stand by, and help each other, because 
there is only the loan of ourselves in the world. I 
have a job to go to, but I have no tools to work with. 
And I haven't a bit on my person that would be taken 
in the pawn, so I propose that Boulanger will give 
me his boots and that I will pawn them, and buy the 
tools I want. Then I will go to work, and when the 
job, which will only take me a few hours, is finished, 
I'll share the one pound one that his reverence said 
he'd give me. And as he said himself, 'twas little 
enough, but as times were bad he couldn't afford 
any more. 

PATCHA 

'Twas the Lord Himself that sent you in the door to 
us! 

NEDSERS 

Nothin' could be fairer. But look at my old boots, you 
wouldn't get a lump of candy from a rag man for 
them. 

PATCHA 

But why not give him your coat and vest? You'd 

easily get eight or nine shillin's on them and that 

much would buy the tools and get us all a bite to eat 

as well. 
NEDSERS (taking off his coat and vest) 

Enough said! Enough said! 
DANNUX (as he wraps them up in an old newspaper) 

I wouldn't be surprised if I'd get ten shillin's on them. 

And sure they can be released again as soon as I get 

paid for the job. 



RETRIBUTION 133 



NEDSERS 

That's right, that's the way I Hke to hear a man 
talkin'. 
DANNUX {as he takes the laces from Patcha's boots lying 
near the bed, and ties up the parcel) 
What else are we here for, but to be a help and a com- 
fort to each other? Sure 'tis by each other we live. 
{Places the parcel under his army puts on his hat and 
walks towards the door. Looks from one to the other) 
Good-by, Napoleon — Good-by, Boulanger. May God 
bless you both. 

PATCHA 

What's that I hear? Aren't you comin' back with the 
money and the bit to eat for us? 

DANNUX 

Of course I am. I only mean good-by for the time 
I'll be away. 

[^Exit Dannux. After he has gone Nedsers looks soberly 
at Patcha. 

NEDSERS 

Only for the time he'll be away ! 

PATCHA 

What's the matter with you, at all? 

NEDSERS 

I think I did a foolish thing. 

PATCHA 

What's that you're sayin', I say? 

NEDSERS 

I did a foolish thing ! I know I did. But that's just 
like me. I brought my dacent impulses from my 
mother. God forgive her ! 

PATCHA 

Is it the way you are afraid he won't return? 



134 RETRIBUTION 

NEDSERS 

I'm sure of it. I know he'll never return. He's the 
biggest bloody liar in the whole country and the 
biggest rogue too. 
PATCHA (as he jumps out of bed with the blanket around 
him) 

The saints and angels protect us all! Sure I forgot 
that the parish priest is away in England on his vaca- 
tion. And we are to be flung out on the roadside 
to-morrow, and in our shirts too! 

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